Where Not To Look For Freedom

Every so often a song comes along that just "gets" it. The Belle Brigade has a whole slew of them, an album full really. I've heard this album a number of times now, I'd been waiting for it to release months before it actually did. But last night I went to see them play at Amoeba Records in Hollywood (one of my favorite places on earth), and it was one of those moments where the song and the time and the place all collide at exactly the right time that awakens something inside of you. Maybe something as simple as a realization?

Last night, "Where Not To Look For Freedom" was that moment.



The past few months have been rough, hence the no posting. I haven't been able to get out of my head enough to put my thoughts into words or to really accomplish much of anything. I've been simply going through the motions, which if you know me even a little, you know is a bad sign. I'm an adventure seeker. I'm always looking for the next adrenaline rush, the next exploration of a new place or experience, the answers to questions I don't even know. So, for me to just stop everything almost sent me over the edge. I would sleep, work, and fill in every last second with social activities so I didn't have to face what the real problem was...I have no idea what I want. And that makes it really hard to get it.

But the truth is, I know what I want, from myself, from life, from others. It just became too hard to get it. Freedom is a big concept with me, I use the word a lot in my daily life. Freedom to be where I want when I want, to be who I want at all times, to think, speak, write and listen to whatever I want how I want. And instead I've been trapped. Trapped in financial constraints, age barriers (or dreads), and in the box I've placed around my life. The issue became that I couldn't move forward because no matter how hard I looked, I couldn't find anyone's life that I want to mirror mine after. I believed that these dreams I have, idealistic visions of the way life and the world should be could never be realized because they don't currently exist.

I was wrong.

"You cannot find your wisdom in someone else's story."

Unfortunately, writing your own story is, to put it lightly, difficult. It's easy to go through the motions, to live a cookie cutter life, and to be successful at it. What's not easy, is having a vision in your head, a deep desire, and having no idea how to achieve it. And that's where the change in my life has begun. I don't know the big steps, how to get from where I am now to where I want to be. However, everyday I can pray for direction for that first step, and then take a flying leap. And as soon as I land, I take another one. The path isn't clear, but my belief in the destination is. In Swahili, there's a saying "Pole Pole" (pole-ay, pole-ay). It means slowly, slowly. That's me. I'm a slow and steady person, that's how I achieve almost anything. It's not ideal as I would love immediate results. But it's how I thrive. One step at a time, but those steps never stop. And I get to enjoy the journey a little more. Because as I've learned many times, the view from the summit is breathtaking and worth every step, but you can't stay there forever. There are too many mountains to climb to just stay at the top of one for the rest of my life. Some I'll enjoy more than others, some will be harder, some freer. But each a new adventure, a new piece of the picture. A new answer, and a new experience that makes me...me.

XO-
EBG

Last Day of Our Acquaintance

It's been awhile since I've posted. And that's not because of the lack of music in my life. SXSW has come and gone, and I do plan on doing a post about the amazing bands I saw there. But, funny enough, the reason I'm posting today is because of the below song. It came on KCRW this morning during Morning Becomes Eclectic, and it just doesn't seem to want to leave me now.

Two years ago today I lost someone I care very deeply about. The lyrics to this song don't necessarily mirror our frienship word for word, but it does embody the sentiment and the feelings that come with today more than anything else I've found.



I miss you, CJ. XOXO-
EBG

Secret Meeting

Secret Meeting - The National
Alligator

"I had a secret meeting in the basement of my brain."
I've been very thoughtful lately. And by that I don't me "thinking of others." I literally mean "full of thoughts." It hasn't been bad, or sad, or even confusing. Maybe it's because I'm so close to finishing Cloven and sending it out again that I spend most of my time in Graves Parish and Cesura these days. Do people know when they talk to me that I'm only half listening? The other half is in a fantasy world I created buried deep in my soul trying desperately to surface. After 2 1/2 years of really writing, and almost 5 years of creating this story, it feels so good for it to finally come together. I'm just afraid to leave it, I don't want to lose it again. I have to keep at least part of my focus there at all time because I don't know if I can find it again if it disappears...

But I'll be back to the world of the living (ha. if you've read it, you get it) soon. January 28. It's really not that far away.

XO-
EBG

Fake Empire

Fake Empire - The National

Album: Boxer

Sometimes, when the weight of the world becomes too much to bear, I find myself slipping into a superficial state. It's a place where the only things that matter are the pumpkin spiced latte from Starbucks, the great pair of heels that I make my calves look incredible (but I can't walk in), and the unobtainable musician that may or may not have someone else in his eyeline. It's a place where a swoop of mascara and a dab of lipstick instantly make me prettier, and I can bat my eyelashes at a stranger trying to lure them into flirty eye contact if only for a wistful moment. This fake empire is a state of mind, where I block out heartache and sorrow and the struggles cascading down around me. I force questions out of my head instead filling my thoughts with cheesy pop lyrics, glasses of wine, and conversations about the difficult lives of the cast of 90210 and Gossip Girl.

But I can't live in this world forever. I don't want to live in this world forever...only to escape into it for a few fleeting moments when my heart can't take anymore of the real world I live in. It's a gentle reprieve, and I'm grateful for it.

Today the world lost an amazing man. My great uncle, I think is what he is, my uncle's uncle (but no blood relation) died this morning. We may have only been related through marriage, but he was more of a grandfather to me than one of my blood ones ever was. He was strong and kind and I don't know if I ever saw him without a bow tie around his neck. Every childhood memory I have of holidays, birthdays, even Sunday mornings at church, he is a part of. We grew really close after his first wife died when I was in elementary school, and I would sit next to him in the pew at church every week. I have a very small family, so each member is incredibly important and loved. And he's the first to go in a long time.

I know that all life eventually leads to death, and he had lived an amazingly good and long life. But it still gives that "what's the point" feeling. We live, we grow old (if we're lucky), and we die. It's a cycle that never ends, and sometimes it hurts so much, that I wish it would. Hurt is the wrong word. Pointless. Sometimes life simply feels pointless...and that leaves me feeling empty.

But most of all, I'm worried about my cousins. I only have two and growing up they were more like brothers than cousins. I talked to both of them tonight, and they seemed strong, but...lost. Lost in not knowing exactly what to feel. Big Mike was a man they looked up to tremendously, a man they loved with their whole hearts, and even though they've been preparing for months for today, it didn't help. My baby cousin, who's 25, and his fiance just got approved for a house today, a short time before he heard the news. Strange, it's almost like my post two weeks ago, about such extreme happiness and sadness mixed together that you don't know which is which. I think James had such a roller coaster of a day that he's been left suspended mid-air, not sure whether he's being taken to the top or about to be dropped to the bottom. Maybe both. And Trey, Trey I can't read very well anymore. We don't talk as much, and we've taken different directions with our lives, but I would call him the more sensitive of the two. We only spoke for a few minutes, but I didn't get the feeling the realization had sunk in quite, yet. And it might not until he gets home and the whole family is together.

And then there's my uncle. I can't get the picture out of my head of him holding his father's hand until he finally let go of life. But the vision is clouded by tears. I remember when my dad's mother died and trying to watch my dad for his reaction of what was going through his head. But he never really showed much emotion to me. I don't know if it's because he thinks he needs to be strong for the rest of the family or if it's easier to be emotional alone. If that's the truth, I think I get that from him.

It's a sad day. And I know the sad days only exist to make the good days brighter. But right now I just want to hide away for a little while...and when the sun rises tomorrow, start again.

XO-

EBG

The Chain

The Chain - Ingrid Michaelson

Album: Everybody (Live version on Be OK)

I don't know the last time an artist brought tears to my eyes. But this song did something to do me last night. It's not quite a Core Craver...it's a Soul Sweller. I just made that up. Normally, a song that makes my soul swell is because I understand it so well, I can put a face or emotion to it, and I just simply "get" the lyrics. This one is different because I don't really have anyone that fits inside the perimeter. I did at one time have a series of people, boys, men, that I could have felt this way about (and by series I mean like 4, not like a line around the block), but that time has passed. Some of them I never dreamed would ever disappear that far from my life, but time really does heal all. This song brought up old feelings I haven't felt in quite awhile, not necessarily for these certain boys, but the memory of what it was like once upon a time. It's been a long time since that memory has been as vivid as it was last night, and it made me realize how much I've missed it.

It's an interesting moment, a defining one, when you realize you are over someone. It's not the "I'm done with you" moment or the "I refuse to cry about you anymore" moment, either. It's weeks, months, sometimes years later that you realize the feelings that once meant everything to you are gone. Doesn't mean I don't care, about them...about him. It just means The Chain doesn't immediately come off if he were to reappear. It would be a beginning again, a beginning that I don't yearn for, that I don't dream about, that I don't even miss.

The Chain is ready for something new. Maybe that's a person, maybe it's an adventure, maybe it's a best selling book (it could happen). "Battle scarred, I'm working oh so hard, to get back to who I used to be" (That's A Fine Frenzy, not Ingrid, but I'm mixing now). The work has been done, I'm more me than I've been in years, and I feel as if I might take flight at any moment.

XOXO-

EBG

Imitosis

Imitosis - Andrew Bird
Album: Armchair Aphocrypha

First off, thank you, Misty for this song. I was looking for the right song for this mood and nothing was coming. I was handing out songs to other people left and right, but for me...I was coming up blank.

I'm going to expand on this later, but I'm about to go see Ingrid at the Troubadour, so I don't want to damper my mood...but basically, it's one of those songs that I feel has so much truth to it, and I'm determined to defy it. I don't post the entire lyrics that often, but this time it's needed. Dwell on them for awhile, and tomorrow I'll give you my thoughts...along with my Ingrid review.

he's keeping busy
yeah he's bleeding stones
with his machinations and his palindromes
it was anything but hear the voice
that says that we're all basically alone

poor Professor Pynchon had only good intentions
when he put his Bunsen burners all away
and turning to a playground in a Petri dish
where single cells would swing their fists
at anything that looks like easy prey
in this nature show that rages every day
it was then he heard his intuition say

we were all basically alone
and despite what all his studies had shown
that what's mistaken for closeness
is just a case of mitosis
and why do some show no mercy
while others are painfully shy
tell me doctor can you quantify
he just wants to know the reason why

why do they congregate in groups of four
scatter like a billion spores
and let the wind just carry them away
hows can kids be so mean
our famous doctor tried to glean
as he went home at the end of the day
in this nature show that rages every day
it was then he heard his intuition say

we were all basically alone
despite what all his studies had shown
that what's mistaken for closeness
is just a case of mitosis
sure fatal doses of malcontent through osmosis
and why do some show no mercy
while others are painfully shy
tell me doctor, can you quantify?
the reason why


XOXO-
EBG

Only a Broken Heart

Only a Broken Heart - Tom Petty
Album: Wildflowers

Misty and I are beginning an extremely long journey through music history (being taught by her beloved Luke and Easton, whom I have a feeling will quickly become my beloveds as well). In preparation, I was given a list of musicians/bands that I needed to begin brushing up on. I decided to start with the already familiars that I haven't listened to in awhile or know that I enjoy, but maybe don't know as well. The truth is, I didn't really grow up in a house of music. We listened to musicals, but my dad never liked the radio on when we were driving and we never used the record player we had forever. It's not like my parents don't like music, they just weren't music people (I think I get it from my aunt, though our tastes can vastly differ). So, I've felt like most of the past 10 years that I've known music outside of Top 40 exists, I've been playing catch up. I do a pretty good job of staying current, but anything before 2000/2001 I just don't really know.

So, where Petty is concerned, I know his greatest hits. But now, I'm digging a little deeper.

"Only a Broken Heart" fits my mood today. One of my friends lost her mom last night, one of my friends is moving into her first house that she will own with her husband and daughter this weekend, and another friend gets married tomorrow. How is it possible to be so happy for one person and so sad for another at the same time? It doesn't even feel split down the middle, it's more that the emotions are swirling together, almost combining into one brand new emotion that doesn't have a name. The more times I listen to this song, the more points of view I see it from. Sometimes I'm the person he's singing about, sometimes the person singing, and sometimes I see God as the subject and "Life" as the singer. It's not a sad song, it's an honest one.

"But don't be afraid anymore, it's only a broken heart." The ironic part is, I don't feel that the line is being sarcastic, nor diminishing the pain of a broken heart. It's more of "This is part of life" it's going to happen, and you're going to get through it. And that's how this feeling inside of me is best labeled. Yes, the pain hurts, but it's also mixed with this extreme happiness, and knowing that both exist make the pain not so bad, but it also makes the light brighter. I know there's an end to pain, maybe not in this life, but at least in the one after. And knowing that there is pain, makes the great moments mean...everything. The fact that people I'm close to, even if far away they at least share my thought space, can affect me so completely in such vastly different ways only proves that pure happiness and pure sadness can exist together. Neither can rule, and if you try too much to let one have power over the other, then you'll be left powerless.

Instead, I let both come and go as they must, I feel each to the fullest, and I love through them and alongside them. I think that's survival, and in an odd way, it's peace.

XOXO-
EBG

Enchanted

Enchanted - Taylor Swift
Speak Now

No judging! This was really the only album release I could get excited about this week, and have now listened to it...a couple of times. I'm going to compile a playlist for October (I think that'll be my next strategy) of new music for the whole month...15-17 songs. But for now, this song will not leave my head.

And I kind of like it.

I'm single, that's no big surprise to anyone. Any of one my friends can give you their theory on why that is, but the truth being, I just don't very often find people that 1) Intrigue me, 2) Make me smile, and 3) I'm attracted to. I feel like in order to start a relationship, those 3 things have to be present. There is another list of "requirements" and "deal breakers" but those things come later. These 3 have to be there from the first meeting. And recently, in the past 2 months really, I have met 3 people that do all of the above. I wouldn't call them crushes per se, but I do find my mind drifting to them, and the thoughts that come make me both smile and become a little more curious about who these people really are.

And then came "Enchanted." It's basically the story of a girl (Taylor) who meets a boy, and for all intensive purposes, nothing happens. Except she spends the rest of the night wondering about him, small day dreams, simple hopes that maybe there could be something more than a slight spark.

"I was enchanted to meet you." I love how that phrase sounds. It's a more beautiful version of intrigue, but it's curiousity with fire. And that's how I feel, curiousity with fire...not just questions, but feelings that go with the questions. I don't know what those feelings are, but it might be nice to find out. Or not, and the simple act of just meeting in passing, nice conversations, and lasting smiles that leave me warm is all it was meant to be. It's a nice change of pace.

XOXO-
EBG

Dog Days Are Over...Again

Dog Days Are Over - Florence + the Machine

Album: Lungs

I know, I know. This song is pretty much the theme for my life. But it always just appears when I need it. Sometimes twice.

It's been a big few weeks, hence the no posting. My sister got married last Saturday and though I have compiled a list of my favorite moments of that day and the week prior, I probably won't post it until tomorrow. Since her wedding (which was the most perfect day God could have created), I've been on a constant swing of ups and downs. For 8 days I was surrounded by family and friends and laughing and celebrating, and it's a little jolting to all of the sudden find myself alone. So, while I have filled up my social calendar, I also have my next big deadline quickly approaching...a writer's conference I'm attending at the end of January. It's nose to the grindstone, but it also means a lot of sitting by myself writing. Not good for someone who hates being lonely. And it's also a lot of fighting with myself, and anyone who does any sort of art (and maybe other professions, I don't know) knows what that feels like. So, that brings us to today.

It was a long day at work. I was driving home, stuck in traffic that was not getting any better, and my mom (who usually distracts me) was out to dinner with my father and friends. The CD of Wuthering Heights that I'm on is all scratchy so I can barely understand it, KCRW was talking about something I didn't care about, and Radio Disney was just not playing good music. And for some stupid reason, I don't usually carry my iPod with me. All of this combined led me to do something I never do...I started flipping through radio stations. I landed on KROQ on a great guitar solo, though I can't for the life of me remember what song right now, and it soothed me immediately. I wanted it to last forever, but it didn't. And then, what should appear...Florence! But I was just so down that it did nothing for me. My go-to song for a guaranteed pick-up fell flat on its face. It played and I didn't even sing along. It's important to point out here that I never listen to stations that play this song so this might have been the first, maybe the second, that I've heard it on the radio. And I got nothing out of it. That in itself scared me more than anything.

So, the drive continued. I finally reach my neighborhood and it's not that there's no parking spots, just not one I like. I start circling the block flipping through more stations and land on Star 98.7 just as...Florence comes on again! And this time, it clicked. I started humming, then I started beating on my steering wheel, then I started singing. By the time it got to the clapping part towards the end, I was hitting my steering wheel so hard, I accidentally honked at the car in front of me. By the time the song was over, I was parked, smiling, and again ready to conquer the world. Someone (I'm going to say God) knew that I needed that song. And someone (God, again) also knew once wasn't going to be enough.

There's a lot of new music to catch up on. And this week, I'm taking a friend's suggestion (thank you, Micah) and going to conclude the week with my top picks narrowed down to 5-7 of my favorite songs that were released this week. It's like a mini-playlist. I should warn, however, that I'm super excited about the new T. Swifty album, so they might all be hers. Just putting that out there.

But for now...

XOXO-

EBG

Reason Why

Reason Why - Rachael Yamagata

Album - Happenstance

I met a friend at the mall today for lunch. As we sat talking, we were approached by a woman who told us there was quite a bit of energy surrounding us. Especially me. Now, this woman was a little awkward, yet I was intrigued. She went on to tell me that it was very positive energy, but there was also some jealousy floating around. Not from me, but someone else directed to me. (That in itself made me laugh. I don't quite have the envious life right now.)

Then she said that someone from my past was about to resurface, and it was someone who had hurt me and changed the way that I love. She also said that there is someone in my life now who wants to be with me but is immature and afraid of commitment. Great.

Of course, she didn't give me any names, but she did give me her card and told me she would do a full reading at her office down the street for $75. Or I could have the reading at the mall for $30 or 40. I had to get back to work. It's not that I don't believe in psychics, it's just that 1. I don't want to know the future and 2. I believe the future is subjective. (For you Twilight readers, it's a little in line with how Alice sees the future. You might be able to predict it if everything stays on its current course, but there are too many elements that can change, and once one of those alters its course, everything else does, too.)

But, I am curious. Who are these mystery people? Mr. Resurfacing could really only be 1 of 3 people. Actually, really only 1 of 2. We've all had our hearts broken, but there have only been 2 that have "changed the way that I love." There were only 2 that I trusted to never hurt me, and they did. The others, I always had a guard up, and though my heart broke when our relationships ended, I never really had a solid belief in them. But these 2, I never thought could do the damage they did. Some might be surprised that number 3 didn't really make the cut. But number 3 was never really a great love. I just desperately wanted him to be.

When I moved to Los Angeles, I listened to Ms. Yamagata over and over and over again. This was my parting song. This is my letting go song. The psychic didn't say what I should do when Mr. Resurfacing resurfaces, but I'm hoping it just brings peace. That I can wish the best for him, and maybe have a chance with Mr. Immature and Afraid of Commitment. Now that's someone that I have no idea who to guess. Who knew I had so many prospects?

There's been so much letting go and searching for peace happening within me lately that I find myself completely exhausted by the end of each day. It's almost like I am making room inside for someone new to be a part of my life, like I'm becoming whole so that I can give a piece of myself away.

"So, I'll head out alone and hope for the best.

We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried.

And if one of us makes it big, we can spill our regrets

And talk about how the love never dies.

But you and I, know the reason why

I'm gone and you're still there.

I'm gone and you're still there.

I'm gone and you're still there."

And my wish to Mr. Resurfacing, the wish that it took me a long time to be able to say and to mean: "I wish you well, and hope you find whatever you're looking for."

XO-

EBG

If I Die Young

If I Die Young - The Band Perry

Album - The Band Perry EP (Full length out in October)

I don't know a lot of country music. And I definitely don't know how to find new country music. So, that's my sister's job. Today, after telling me that she downloaded A Fine Frenzy thanks to my Excellent Use of Music in TV Award last week, she sent me the name of The Band Perry. I had never heard of them, but I'll listen to anything once.

So, I go to their MySpace page (I hope MySpace learns to capitalize on the music, they might stick around for a while), and listen to the first song. If I Die Young. Then I listen to it again. Then I look up the lyrics. Then I watch the video. Then I watch the behind the scenes of the video. And then I watch the video on writing the song. Am I obsessed?

I don't have a fear of death. Or maybe I should say I don't have any sort of fear of the afterlife. What I do fear is not accomplishing everything I want to while I'm alive. I don't believe in Bucket Lists (though I do love The Buried Life on MTV). As much as I'm a checklist person, I don't need to "do" a bunch of things before I die to feel like I've had a full life. I want to be able to look back and say that I loved infinitely, laughed often, danced in the rain at every given chance, and that I left the world a better place than when I entered it. I absolutely love adrenaline rushes, and I'm usually up for almost anything. An adventure seeker some might call it. But that's part of my personality, it's what fuels me. It's not what I want to do. I want to connect people, help different parts of the world understand each other, understand tolerance. We're not really all that different, and I think the world would be a much happier, more peaceful place if we could just understand that. Understand similarities, enjoy differences.

But that being said, I don't feel like I've really done that, yet. And my greatest fear is leaving this earth before I do. I want to believe the words of this song, to sing them to myself and be at peace with death. But I'm not, yet. I don't feel like I've done anything "great" with my life. What's stopping me? Laziness? Fear of failure? I don't think it's either of those.

A friend posted this quote on her facebook page the other day. I actually think this sums it up more than anything else. I think I don't always feel like I deserve to be great:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same."

But now is a better time than any to start being great. Fabulous. Fierce. I love that word. Fierce. It feels strong, passionate, ready. That's what I feel now. Fierce.

Now, I just need to put it to use. And the only thing that's stopping me is...well, me. The more we give to the world, the more we get back. Life takes work. Relationships take work. Dreams take work. The question is, am I willing to work? Am I willing to risk it all?

I spend a lot of time afraid to want things because they may not be what God wants for me. But these past few months, I've tried to focus on lining up my wants with God's wants. I guess now is the time to start trusting that we're finally on the same page and to allow myself to feel these wants, to walk, or better yet run, towards them. If I'm going to trust God to lead more towards infinite happiness, I also have to trust that he's put me on the right path. Doesn't matter where I've been or how I got here. A new path begins with each step, enabling a change of direction, a change of scenery, a change of the outcome. Now, it's just putting my faith in that outcome, believing that my wants are not selfish. They're gifts that I only get if I work for them.

"The things, good Lord, that we pray for, give us the grace to labor for." - Saint Thomas More

XO-

EBG

Signs in the Leaves

Signs in the Leaves - Azure Ray

Album: Drawing Down the Moon

I haven't been great at keeping a journal since high school. Back then I did a pretty good job, but I have this thing with always wanting to "start over." So I would buy a new journal every few months to mark a new phase of life. What it boils down to is a whole lot of journals with just a few entries.

This year I started what I call my "Truth Journal." Sometimes it's hard for me to get all of my thoughts out in a coherent way, mainly because it takes too long to get to the point of what I'm needing to work through. I don't know why I always need to tell myself the backstory, but I guess that's just part of the sorting through my thoughts process. But now I have my "Truth Journal" which is basically a place where I list out (because I am my mother's child therefore LOVING lists) whatever I'm feeling. It can be anything from: I really hated XYZ movie to I lied today about liking a band to impress someone. And from I had the best conversation about ABC with so and so to I'm severely sad and lonely and don't know how to fix it.

I'm human. I have ups and downs. I feel like writing down the ups makes them sink in and it helps the downs seem not so bad. But today I had a large amount of things that are currently making me angry. I hate being angry. I feel like it's an ugly emotion and it makes me say things and behave in a way that I don't like who I am. I definitely don't want to list them here because I don't need to broadcast them to the world, but it's weighing so heavily on me.

I know we can't make people do and say the things we want them to do and say. I can't make people change. I'm not someone that hides my emotions. However, I don't talk about them a lot. Mainly because I don't always think that people care...or at least the people that I want to care often don't. It's a defense mechanism. If I feel like someone doesn't care, I walk away. If someone makes me feel sad or worse weak, I protect myself by creating distance. If I feel let down, I don't rely on that person anymore. It doesn't mean I love them any less, or that I won't be there for them, I just keep a part of myself hidden. I've never been someone that knows how to ask for help, so I can't be mad when people don't offer it. But I've started to realize that by closing a piece of myself off from the people that have hurt me, disappointed me, I'm also losing that feeling of connecting that we always long for.

I'm obsessed with the new Azure Ray album. Every song speaks to me in a different way. But tonight, it's this one:

I'm a little worried

That I killed something inside of me

When I let you go

Days were dark with you in my mind

I thought it best to be free

And now the birds don't sing

And the trees don't speak

And I don't see signs in the leaves

Anymore

I'm a little worried

That I killed something inside of me

When I let you go

It's a stranger's eyes that won't meet mine.

There's nothing left there to divide

'Cause the birds don't sing

And the trees don't speak to me

And I don't see signs in the leaves

Anymore

I'm a little worried

I'm a little worried

That I killed something inside of me

When I let you go

When I let you go

When I let you go

The truth is, I know the people that care about me would feel horrible if they knew how badly their actions sometimes hurt. But sometimes I just don't have it in me to tell them, to deal with their defenses or excuses. I also don't want to hurt them. Maybe I'm afraid the honesty would only drive more of a wedge. Or maybe I'm afraid the honesty would force them to act in a way that's not natural. Or maybe I just don't want to be needy, and it's easier to hurt in silence than ask someone to care about something they don't.

I know my views on the world are not always conventional, and that people don't always want to hear them. But it's taken me a long time (almost 30 years) to fully grasp what they are. How I look at life, love, family, our part in this world is so much a part of who I am. But I don't want to freely give them to people who don't want to hear...some of those people are the ones who love me the most. But I also know that that means if I keep all of these thoughts and beliefs bottled up inside, the people that I want to be closest to, the people that think they know me so well, never really will. And that breaks my heart.

XO-

EBG

Happy Working Song

Happy Working Song - Amy Adams
Album - Enchanted Soundtrack

This is one of those times where this was totally NOT my day...but I wish it was. I did clean all day to music, I just didn't have cute little rodents helping me. But my apartment is now SPOTLESS and organized (still very tiny, though). And my downstairs neighbor has started feeding squirrels so now when I walk by his apt to get to mine, they stalk me like they're about to attack. It's a little alarming and not near as adorable as the below video makes it seem like it would be.

(I would also like to note that the Disney fairy tale I wish was my life looks more like High School Musical than Cinderella, but really I'll take either. Singing and dancing? Count me in.)


XO-
EBG

Everyday

Everyday - Buddy Holly
Album - Peggy Sue B-Side

I have been humming this song all day. It's on a commercial right now, though I couldn't tell you which one. I've watched a LOT of TV in the past 24 hours, so there's no telling. But as I'm cleaning my apartment getting ready for the next 3 weeks (my friend Cait comes next week, then I fly to TX to spend a night at ACL in Austin, then onto to my hometown for the major wedding countdown), I just feel like this song is my life.

Of course the only line I repeat is the title line:

Everyday it's a gettin' closer, going faster than a roller coaster. Love like yours will surely come my way.

It's a happy song about life moving fast. And isn't that the truth? The happiest moments of my life have been the fastest. These next 3 weeks are going to be amazing, and I want to relish in them. But as much as I want my sister's wedding day to come (because it is going to be the happiest day of her life), I also don't. Because then it's over, and the fun and the celebrating will have come and gone. It's like summitting a mountain, you work so hard to get to the top, but after a few minutes of relishing in the view and your accomplishment, you have to go back down. But that being said, my favorite moment (besides relishing in the view) of hiking is after I've gotten back to the cabin and showered and can sit on the porch with a beer, letting my body ache, and smiling at the memory. Same thing with dances in high school. I would get home, get a big bowl of ice cream and sit on the couch in my dress and remember the night.

My guess is three weeks from tonight, I'll be doing the same thing...only in a bridesmaid's dress with wedding cake. Complete with a huge smile about how blessed I am...and probably very sore feet from dancing the night away. But if the roller coaster could slow down just slightly, it would be much appreciated. Or maybe I should just throw my hands in the air and let the adrenaline rush hit, laughing all the way.

XO-
EBG

TCU's Fight Song

TCU's FIGHT SONG...because it was played a lot today as we crushed SMU. And that's reason enough.


XO-
EBG

Kick Drum Heart

Kick Drum Heart - The Avett Brothers
Album: I and Love and You

Last night I went to a "Cheap Wine Tasting" Girl's Night at a friend's, where everyone was supposed to bring a bottle of wine under $10, then we would vote for the best, and they would win a prize. I won for the white! Which was wonderful in itself, but my real prize came when a friend looks at me and goes "I know and love this song! And it's because of you!"

The Avett Brothers' Kick Drum Heart had just come on, and of course I had made the Wine Night Playlist, and she knew it from my 2009 Music Review. But I felt so proud. Because, really, that's the point. I make mix tapes because I want to spread the songs that I love. I also feel like when you listen to a whole album, sometimes the songs blend together if you're not fully paying attention. But just like wines change with smells and other tastes you have before and after you drink, songs change with not only the setting and mood you're in, but the music they're surrounded by. One of my goals for every tape is that the songs flow into each other, so that nothing is too jarring, but that they stand out against one another as well. There's a definite melodic story that I try to reach. Picking the songs is only the first step, arranging them is a whole other process.

And this particular song? I'll be honest, it made the cut because "I and Love and You" was too long, and I was trying to fit as many songs as possible on the 2009 CD. But it's better that it did. It's a happy song. Just like last night was a happy occasion. Even though it IS a love song, or at least comes across that way, the stanza:

I won't look back anymore
I left the people that do
It's not the chase that I love
It's me following you

I feel could be a good theme for my life right now. It's not about the rush of the chase, or trying to grasp onto something better. And I'm tired of looking back wishing for what was or wondering if I should have chosen different. It's following the path that leads to my dreams...and everything that I get to do and see along the way. And the beat, the kick drum beat, is a great pace setter.

Cheers to good wine and good friends (and good playlists that are too long to post)!

XO-
EBG

The Cave

The Cave - Mumford & Sons
Album: Sigh No More

This is what I call a "Core Craver." It's not a song that gets stuck in my head, or a great lyric I find myself singing, it's not even a catchy pop song that makes me want to dance. It's a song that my core literally craves to hear over and over again, and as the music swells so does something inside of me.

The melody starts off simple and low, then it slowly starts to build...the words and the music. About a third of the way through, my shoulders can't help but bounce a little and I sit or stand taller as if the song itself is flowing from my toes to my head forcing my spine straighter, my breaths deeper, my heart bigger.

"So come out of the cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand"

By the time the lyric below hits, and the music inerlude afterwards, I feel like I'm about to explode and I want to live in this song for as long as possible. I want to stretch the moment, to feel this feelings and scream these lyrics as loud as I can.

"Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be"

And then it ends, and I need the feeling to happen again so badly. So, I hit repeat. Unfortunately, on the mix tape I made, this song is followed by The National's Runaway which is also a major Core Craver for me. The two of these together pretty much send me over the edge (in the best way possible.)

Tonight was a good night, almost like this song. Great conversation with a great person in a great place. My friend is a writer as well, and sometimes, actually a lot of the time, I just need those conversations. Since the person I talk to most about writing is so far away, and though I wish she were here with everything I have, I know she can't be, I've been wishing for someone who just "gets it" to be closer. And it was nice to have a piece of that last night. Writing is lonely, it's a constant battle of me against myself, making myself do it, making myself believe I'm good enough, my craft is good enough. It's a constant "talking myself off of a limb." There are doubts, and to know that other people, very talented people, share those doubts about themselves, make the load easier to bear.

I feel like the meaning of this song is a mix between two things. 1) Learning to free yourself front the constraints the world, other people, and yourself put on you so you can live the life you were created to have. To live your potential best life. And 2) Knowledge is freeing. Living in the "cave" is like living in the dark, only seeing surface level. But I truly believe each level you dig deeper (or shine some light on), whether it be getting to know a person, the lyrics to a song (or any piece of art), an idea. Understanding the details, philosophies, the meaning of things, only makes the bigger picture that much more beautiful.

I know sometimes I dwell too much on the details, but I have a deep need to understand things. I feel like understanding is what connects all the pieces of the world. That's what makes up the big picture.

XO-
EBG

Billionaire

Billionaire - The Glee Version (not the Travie McCoy version)

Honestly, I actually hate this song. But I LOVE IT on Glee...cause I love everything on Glee. And Glee starting tonight was pretty much the most exciting thing that happened today. Plus, I'm digging the new cast members (which this song featured one of). Not sure who gets to stick around all season, but I'm open to some fresh faces.



Although, tonight's episode did have some intense moments, (Anti-bullying ad, anyone?) I have high hopes for this season. Since my television schedule went from about 27 shows a week to 3, I have to promote those 3.

Glee, tonight you win! (Plus, no one can tell me at least a tiny part of them doesn't want to be a billionaire.)

XO-
EBG

I Was Made For Sunny Days

I Was Made For Sunny Days - The Weepies
Album: Be My Thrill

This song came on my iPod half way through my jog this morning, and I've been singing it all day. When a song runs through my head like this, I kind of feel like it is playing somewhere, following me around in the montage of my life. And with a song like this on loop, how can the day be bad? Sometimes it just takes forcing myself to listen to upbeat songs, or by God's chance just having them come on, to put me in a good mood. I mean, who really loves Monday's? Today, I actually did.

XO-
EBG

PS. Tried to watch 90210 tonight...it was painful. Then tried to watch The Event to feel out the hype...I just don't know. I was lost most of the episode, and then when it came together at the end, my first thought was "It better not be aliens." I read a message board that said something about time travel, though. That I can get behind.

The Sound of Settling

*Beginning note: Dog Days Are Over came on at the restaurant at dinner and I got so excited I hit the friend sitting next to me. Might have given her a bruise. That's what a good song does to me (the excitement, not the violence).

Sound of Settling - Death Cab for Cutie

Album: Transatlaticism

"Bop ba. This is the sound of settling. Bop ba."

That line has been on repeat in my head for days. Today was an interesting day...in a very non-interesting type way. I woke up early to move my car since it was parked on a "no parking" between 8 AM and 8 PM street, and then I went back to bed. I haven't been feeling nearly as exhausted today as I was this week, but I guess my body just wanted to make sure before Monday comes tomorrow. So the first of the day was slow...not accomplishing anything I had set out to do. It's a frustrating feeling, not being able to find the motivation, but having no one to blame but yourself. The walls of my very tiny apartment began to close in on me, so I decided to go see Never Let Me Go.

*SPOILERS IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE STORY*

Synopsis can be read here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Never_Let_Me_Go

The movie is beautiful, yet slow. In my head I think of it as a Brokeback Mountain where it feels like a nice melody with a few crescendos but nothing really happens. Yet, you just sort of float along waiting for the train wreck that never really happens because no one ever fights for anything. So, the movie ends, and I'm beyond frustrated. As Americans we live in a world where if you want something you either resign to the fact that you're too lazy to go after it, or you fight for it. These characters did neither. They wanted something, they longed for it, and they made strides towards it, but they never really fought. The lady sitting next to me noted to her husband that it was based on a book by a Japanese author and that made sense. I leaned over casually to listen along, finally joining in the conversation as it continued. The woman, who I found out when the lights came up is in fact Asian, explained that Japanese culture is very much a "this is the way things are, and we can't change them." That's not very eloquently put, but according to her, they believe that destiny is more of a pre-determined path than a choice. So, when Kathy and Tommy go to the headmistress towards the end and ask for a deferral, it is their way of fighting. It allowed me to take the message of the movie easier, suspend my own personal beliefs and understand the last few lines of the film.

Kathy looks out over an open field, having lost the love of her life and her best friend (even if she was a traitor) and says that they weren't so different from the rest of the world. Everyone eventually reaches "completion" and they probably loved more than many of us (the rest of the world) ever will. They didn't settle, knowing their lives would end sooner than they were supposed to. They still tried to live and love. I do wish they had tried a little harder, but it wasn't in their making. They were programmed at the time of birth for this destiny, and the accepted it, but refused to let that take away their humanity. The refused to not have souls.

After the movie I met a few friends for dinner (and heard Florence belt her beautiful voice). On the way, I was talking to a friend and the subject of facebook came up. Facebook is something I both love and hate, think is brilliant and might ruin society all at the same time. It makes me think of how all of this social networking, cell phones, television, internet, the blog I'm writing right now, connects us and separates us. My friend that I was talking to had just returned from Iceland, and I love the fact that while she was there she could load pictures and within minutes, from thousands of miles away I could see what she saw. It made her feel not so far away. Yet, as I arrived at the restaurant and was waiting for the table, I look over to see my three friends all on their cell phones. One of them claims it was because they heard a 'ding' and were all checking, but it wasn't a quick check. Even at dinner, the conversation was stifled by phones. Granted it was looking up movie times and song lyrics and checking other people's facebook status (is that really necessary all the freakin' time)? But all that information at our fingertips makes it hard to have a conversation these days. And it's so frustrating.

I implemented a new rule Friday night. I was in the car with a friend and she answered a phone call and continued to talk to this person for a good 5 to 10 minutes...which is a long time when you're in a car. I asked her if we could not answer phone calls when we were hanging out. She agreed and completely understood my point, but I hate that that's even a factor. Not just for her, but for me. Even at Disneyland last Saturday, I checked my phone after every ride to see who had posted Happy Birthday on my wall. I felt bad when someone called and I couldn't answer because I didn't want to be rude to Natalie. People get angry because I'm very much an "on my terms" person when it comes to cell phones, email, and texting. I will return your message when I'm ready because I don't want it to run my life. I don't want to feel chained to it or for it to put a wedge between someone I'm actually spending time with in person. I feel like we all deserve better than that.

Life, love, friendships...who wants to settle? "If you've got an impulse, let it out" (that's a line from the song). As we were leaving dinner, my friends were going to get yogurt and I declined the invite. (I've already had Yogurtland and Diddy Riese this weekend). They all laughed saying it was a social thing, not about the yogurt. But we had just had a dinner full of long silences and cell phone checking and I don't think one person asked what I had done today. (Probably a good thing since I hadn't done much and can't really talk about the movie until others see it.) But we had plenty to talk about. There is so much happening in the world right now...even if it's movies, books, music, or, heaven forbid, worldly events. Maybe I rely too much on conversation. Maybe I should relish in the silence a little more. Maybe I'd hear something words can't say. Or maybe it's just awkward to be at a table with four people and no words at all.

I look at today, which had frustrating moments, but was a good day, and am grateful for my life. It's a good life. But I don't want a good life, I want a great life. God gave me the good without me having to do anything. But He's made it pretty clear I have to fight for greatness. He doesn't want me to "Sit and wonder of every love that could've been." He wants me to have all those loves. (And when I say loves, I don't just mean a person. I mean an experience, a place, a feeling.) That I know without a doubt.

XOXO

-EBG