I Was Made For Sunny Days

I Was Made For Sunny Days - The Weepies
Album: Be My Thrill

This song came on my iPod half way through my jog this morning, and I've been singing it all day. When a song runs through my head like this, I kind of feel like it is playing somewhere, following me around in the montage of my life. And with a song like this on loop, how can the day be bad? Sometimes it just takes forcing myself to listen to upbeat songs, or by God's chance just having them come on, to put me in a good mood. I mean, who really loves Monday's? Today, I actually did.

XO-
EBG

PS. Tried to watch 90210 tonight...it was painful. Then tried to watch The Event to feel out the hype...I just don't know. I was lost most of the episode, and then when it came together at the end, my first thought was "It better not be aliens." I read a message board that said something about time travel, though. That I can get behind.

The Sound of Settling

*Beginning note: Dog Days Are Over came on at the restaurant at dinner and I got so excited I hit the friend sitting next to me. Might have given her a bruise. That's what a good song does to me (the excitement, not the violence).

Sound of Settling - Death Cab for Cutie

Album: Transatlaticism

"Bop ba. This is the sound of settling. Bop ba."

That line has been on repeat in my head for days. Today was an interesting day...in a very non-interesting type way. I woke up early to move my car since it was parked on a "no parking" between 8 AM and 8 PM street, and then I went back to bed. I haven't been feeling nearly as exhausted today as I was this week, but I guess my body just wanted to make sure before Monday comes tomorrow. So the first of the day was slow...not accomplishing anything I had set out to do. It's a frustrating feeling, not being able to find the motivation, but having no one to blame but yourself. The walls of my very tiny apartment began to close in on me, so I decided to go see Never Let Me Go.

*SPOILERS IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE STORY*

Synopsis can be read here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Never_Let_Me_Go

The movie is beautiful, yet slow. In my head I think of it as a Brokeback Mountain where it feels like a nice melody with a few crescendos but nothing really happens. Yet, you just sort of float along waiting for the train wreck that never really happens because no one ever fights for anything. So, the movie ends, and I'm beyond frustrated. As Americans we live in a world where if you want something you either resign to the fact that you're too lazy to go after it, or you fight for it. These characters did neither. They wanted something, they longed for it, and they made strides towards it, but they never really fought. The lady sitting next to me noted to her husband that it was based on a book by a Japanese author and that made sense. I leaned over casually to listen along, finally joining in the conversation as it continued. The woman, who I found out when the lights came up is in fact Asian, explained that Japanese culture is very much a "this is the way things are, and we can't change them." That's not very eloquently put, but according to her, they believe that destiny is more of a pre-determined path than a choice. So, when Kathy and Tommy go to the headmistress towards the end and ask for a deferral, it is their way of fighting. It allowed me to take the message of the movie easier, suspend my own personal beliefs and understand the last few lines of the film.

Kathy looks out over an open field, having lost the love of her life and her best friend (even if she was a traitor) and says that they weren't so different from the rest of the world. Everyone eventually reaches "completion" and they probably loved more than many of us (the rest of the world) ever will. They didn't settle, knowing their lives would end sooner than they were supposed to. They still tried to live and love. I do wish they had tried a little harder, but it wasn't in their making. They were programmed at the time of birth for this destiny, and the accepted it, but refused to let that take away their humanity. The refused to not have souls.

After the movie I met a few friends for dinner (and heard Florence belt her beautiful voice). On the way, I was talking to a friend and the subject of facebook came up. Facebook is something I both love and hate, think is brilliant and might ruin society all at the same time. It makes me think of how all of this social networking, cell phones, television, internet, the blog I'm writing right now, connects us and separates us. My friend that I was talking to had just returned from Iceland, and I love the fact that while she was there she could load pictures and within minutes, from thousands of miles away I could see what she saw. It made her feel not so far away. Yet, as I arrived at the restaurant and was waiting for the table, I look over to see my three friends all on their cell phones. One of them claims it was because they heard a 'ding' and were all checking, but it wasn't a quick check. Even at dinner, the conversation was stifled by phones. Granted it was looking up movie times and song lyrics and checking other people's facebook status (is that really necessary all the freakin' time)? But all that information at our fingertips makes it hard to have a conversation these days. And it's so frustrating.

I implemented a new rule Friday night. I was in the car with a friend and she answered a phone call and continued to talk to this person for a good 5 to 10 minutes...which is a long time when you're in a car. I asked her if we could not answer phone calls when we were hanging out. She agreed and completely understood my point, but I hate that that's even a factor. Not just for her, but for me. Even at Disneyland last Saturday, I checked my phone after every ride to see who had posted Happy Birthday on my wall. I felt bad when someone called and I couldn't answer because I didn't want to be rude to Natalie. People get angry because I'm very much an "on my terms" person when it comes to cell phones, email, and texting. I will return your message when I'm ready because I don't want it to run my life. I don't want to feel chained to it or for it to put a wedge between someone I'm actually spending time with in person. I feel like we all deserve better than that.

Life, love, friendships...who wants to settle? "If you've got an impulse, let it out" (that's a line from the song). As we were leaving dinner, my friends were going to get yogurt and I declined the invite. (I've already had Yogurtland and Diddy Riese this weekend). They all laughed saying it was a social thing, not about the yogurt. But we had just had a dinner full of long silences and cell phone checking and I don't think one person asked what I had done today. (Probably a good thing since I hadn't done much and can't really talk about the movie until others see it.) But we had plenty to talk about. There is so much happening in the world right now...even if it's movies, books, music, or, heaven forbid, worldly events. Maybe I rely too much on conversation. Maybe I should relish in the silence a little more. Maybe I'd hear something words can't say. Or maybe it's just awkward to be at a table with four people and no words at all.

I look at today, which had frustrating moments, but was a good day, and am grateful for my life. It's a good life. But I don't want a good life, I want a great life. God gave me the good without me having to do anything. But He's made it pretty clear I have to fight for greatness. He doesn't want me to "Sit and wonder of every love that could've been." He wants me to have all those loves. (And when I say loves, I don't just mean a person. I mean an experience, a place, a feeling.) That I know without a doubt.

XOXO

-EBG

Sex Songs for Lisa

My first new mix tape of 29! This is very exciting!

Last night, I went to a friend's bachelorette part. And what's a party without a soundtrack? So, I compiled a list of sex songs I think she needed to have in her collection. I feel it's a good mixture between fun and dirty and sexy and sultry. All centered around one very obvious subject.

SEX SONGS FOR LISA:
1. Future Sex/Love Sounds - Justin Timberlake
2. Let's Talk About Sex - Salt-N-Pepa
3. Fantasy - Ludacris
4. Sex Karma - Of Montreal (featuring Solange Knowles)
5. Sex for Breakfast - Christina Aguilera
6. Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye
7. All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You - Heart
8. Like a Virgin - Madonna
9. I'll Make Love To You - Boyz II Men
10. I Want Your Sex, Pts 1 & 2 - George Michael
11. Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah) - Joan Jett
12. Closer - Nine Inch Nails
13. Glory Box - Portishead
14. Crash - Dave Matthews Band
15. Succexy - Metric
16. I Touch Myself - Divinyls
17. Music Is My Hot, Hot Sex - CSS

Enjoy!
XOXO-
EBG

Stay Beautiful

Stay Beautiful - Taylor Swift
Album: Taylor Swift

Some days are just Taylor Swift kinda days...slow paced and comfortable. No rushing around, no trying to accomplish everything at once. Watching some good Texas football (GO HORNED FROGS!), and enjoying an evening out with the girls. There's nothing complicated about a Taylor Swift song, and I mean that with the highest praise. Somedays I just want background music with lyrics that are familiar and easy to sing a long to. Simple songs about love and friendship that don't make me think too hard and don't stir up any emotions I don't want to deal with. They just make me smile.

Today has not really been a dance around the room type day, it's more of a gentle, peaceful sway. The sun is shining through my window, I'm reading a good book, catching up with friends, and content with life just being good. I like today!

XOXO
-EBG

Here Comes the Sun

Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles

Album: Abbey Road

It took me a little while to find the perfect song for today. This past week has been a little bit of a haze, maybe a little too much birthday fun this past weekend...Disneyland and the VMA's will do that to you. I haven't been able to get out of bed in the mornings for my normal routine that I've come to cherish so much, and I stayed home sick from work on Wednesday because my throat hurt in a way that even lifting my head up to look at the clock felt like an overwhelming task that I would never be able to accomplish again. Yes, I am dramatic when tired. Maybe it was exhaustion, maybe I caught something from all the sickness going around. But, either way, this week has been a blur that is not really how I wanted to start out 29.

Yesterday the two TLC employees that were held hostage on Sept. 1 went on Oprah to tell their story. At the same time it made it more real and more horrific, it also gave me peace. One of the hostages, Jim, talked of how an overwhelming peace overtook him during that time in the lobby. He doesn't know whether it was God, or a guardian angel, or something else of a higher power, but it was real. I believe my prayers, as well as those of the thousands of others being lifted at that time, took part in that peace. Because that's what I was asking for, it's all I could ask for. Peace. Strength. Hope. I know it's true, that when something life threatening happens we begin to take life more seriously, treat it as the precious, fleeting gift that it is. But I don't want to have to have that moment in order to embrace life. Because all too often, when those moments happen it's too late.

So often I let my life become a series of "To Do's," since God knows I love lists. But last night as I was driving home and my mind was split between thinking about my co-workers and thinking about cleaning my apartment, working on my sister's wedding present, and even the task of finishing the book I'm reading so I can return it to the library, I realized that I was filling up this coming weekend with things to "get done" so that next week I could enjoy life again. But if I let that happen, if that's what my focus is, then that's when my days become this vicious cycle of ignoring the point of life. To live it. It hit me rather hard that this mindset has to stop. It's the journey not the destination, right?

Thanks to my friend Misty, I recently stumbled across this quote:

"For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real life.

But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first,

some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.

At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.

This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness.

Happiness is the way.

So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination."

-Father Alfred D'Souza

So, what did I do? I went to Whole Foods and bought soup and fried chicken because I still felt sick and I wanted comfort food. I came home, talked to my mom about my sister's wedding and watched Vampire Diaries because teen shows (especially ones about vampires) make me really happy. Then I started to watch Grey's Anatomy. ABC was replaying last year's season finale and I thought maybe watching part of it would help since (after refusing last season to ever watch it again) I now really want to see how they handle the aftermath of the gunman. But the moment before the first doctor gets shot, I turned it off. I've seen the episode, I know what happens and I don't need to relive it. Yes, I'll watch next week because that might be part of the healing process, but I want to move forward. So, instead I turned on the new Brandon Flowers album (because I do LOVE the Killers) and I danced around the room as I cleaned the apartment, enjoying the task and the atmosphere. Then I read and went to bed so that when my alarm went off at 5:30 this morning, I was ready for the day...to watch the sun come up.

Maybe that's a reason I love music so much. No matter what the task is, no matter what I'm doing or feeling, if there's a good soundtrack, it doesn't feel like work. Singing along makes me feel like I'm in the moment, like I'm actually living it. I know enough to realize that's not the case for everyone...but for me even waking up to "Here Comes the Sun" makes me not hate the first five minutes of the morning quite so much. In fact, it makes me wish those first five minutes could stand still, that I could hold onto it a little longer. There's promise to each new day. And just like I get to choose my song, I get to choose my attitude and what I want to give to the world today. The Sun.

The winter of going through the motions, of just trying to survive, is over, because life doesn't begin once my problems go away, my debt is paid, the weight is lost, or I fall in love. Life doesn't start when I finish my book or get that dream job or even when the dishes are washed and the apartment cleaned. All of those things are life. I'm not saying they're all enjoyable, but they are life. And once I accept that, which is still a daily battle, is the moment living really begins. That moment is now.

"Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right"

XOXO-

EBG

Purple Haze

Purple Haze - Jimi Hendrix
Album: Are You Experienced

Today feels a little like being between sleep and awake...almost like a dream Jimi Hendrix once had. I'm not really "present" today, but I'm ok with that "floating" feeling, though it hurts to laugh. Whatever was in my throat has moved down to my chest, so I'm downing tea and oj...and why that reminds me of "Sippin' on gin and juice," I have no idea. Is it time for bed, yet? I thought 9 hours yesterday plus 9 hours today would make me hate sleep. Wrong.

And the soup I hunted down for at lunch burned my tongue. The steam should have been an indicator, and I wish I could blame it on being a little out-of-it, but it's really just me.

XOXO
-EBG

PS. This song is based on a dream, not drugs. I am not on drugs...or, uh, meds. Really, I'm not.

Searchin' My Soul

Searchin' My Soul - Vonda Shepard
Ally McBeal Soundtrack

I woke up this morning with the feeling that my throat was closing in on itself, and the exhaustion so overwhelming that the thought of digging through the clothes on my floor to try to find something clean made me start to cry. I'm not going to pretend this feeling hasn't happened before, but normally I suck it up, pull myself out of bed and face the day. But something inside told me to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep. So, I did. I slept, and slept, and caught up on my Netflix, and slept some more. My throat was pulsating in the way that feels like someone sucker punched me right in the neck and my head was so heavy, I could barely lift it off the pillow. I can't remember the last time I felt so miserable. But something happens in a day taken away from the world, you enjoy it that much more when you return.

I would like to thanks Netflix, though, for getting me through the day:
Camp Rock 2 (One of those songs almost made the soundtrack. They're just so darn catchy.)
Breaking Bad (Season Finale of Season One. This is a GREAT show.)
Ally McBeal (I pretty much love her, hence the song of the day. I've never watched this show before, but I honestly think this is the first "adult" character I've ever related to. She's career oriented and feisty, but incredibly unsure and just wants to belong. Who can't relate to that?)
And...
True Blood (Season 3 Finale. Disappointment all around.)

That's all. Back to bed.
XOXO
-EBG