Justin Timberlake is one of the most talented people...EVER

There. I said it, and I believe it. Of course, I did once beg God to let me marry him, but that's besides the point. I was 17. (Not that I would pass up a proposal if the offer was on the table now.)

Whether or not you're a fan or even connect with what he does, you can't deny his talent. But I also believe it doesn't come without a lot of hard work. You don't get to be good at so many things without putting in the effort.

Case in point:



XO-
EBG

Reason Why

Reason Why - Rachael Yamagata

Album - Happenstance

I met a friend at the mall today for lunch. As we sat talking, we were approached by a woman who told us there was quite a bit of energy surrounding us. Especially me. Now, this woman was a little awkward, yet I was intrigued. She went on to tell me that it was very positive energy, but there was also some jealousy floating around. Not from me, but someone else directed to me. (That in itself made me laugh. I don't quite have the envious life right now.)

Then she said that someone from my past was about to resurface, and it was someone who had hurt me and changed the way that I love. She also said that there is someone in my life now who wants to be with me but is immature and afraid of commitment. Great.

Of course, she didn't give me any names, but she did give me her card and told me she would do a full reading at her office down the street for $75. Or I could have the reading at the mall for $30 or 40. I had to get back to work. It's not that I don't believe in psychics, it's just that 1. I don't want to know the future and 2. I believe the future is subjective. (For you Twilight readers, it's a little in line with how Alice sees the future. You might be able to predict it if everything stays on its current course, but there are too many elements that can change, and once one of those alters its course, everything else does, too.)

But, I am curious. Who are these mystery people? Mr. Resurfacing could really only be 1 of 3 people. Actually, really only 1 of 2. We've all had our hearts broken, but there have only been 2 that have "changed the way that I love." There were only 2 that I trusted to never hurt me, and they did. The others, I always had a guard up, and though my heart broke when our relationships ended, I never really had a solid belief in them. But these 2, I never thought could do the damage they did. Some might be surprised that number 3 didn't really make the cut. But number 3 was never really a great love. I just desperately wanted him to be.

When I moved to Los Angeles, I listened to Ms. Yamagata over and over and over again. This was my parting song. This is my letting go song. The psychic didn't say what I should do when Mr. Resurfacing resurfaces, but I'm hoping it just brings peace. That I can wish the best for him, and maybe have a chance with Mr. Immature and Afraid of Commitment. Now that's someone that I have no idea who to guess. Who knew I had so many prospects?

There's been so much letting go and searching for peace happening within me lately that I find myself completely exhausted by the end of each day. It's almost like I am making room inside for someone new to be a part of my life, like I'm becoming whole so that I can give a piece of myself away.

"So, I'll head out alone and hope for the best.

We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried.

And if one of us makes it big, we can spill our regrets

And talk about how the love never dies.

But you and I, know the reason why

I'm gone and you're still there.

I'm gone and you're still there.

I'm gone and you're still there."

And my wish to Mr. Resurfacing, the wish that it took me a long time to be able to say and to mean: "I wish you well, and hope you find whatever you're looking for."

XO-

EBG

Glee Review - Britney Episode

I hate being disappointed. And I've been looking forward to this episode for a very long time. So, I'm just going to go for it and list my complaints...er, thoughts.

1. It wasn't even the anesthesia part of the story line I thought was weak, I just thought the whole episode was disjointed giving a very last minute thrown together result. Almost like the writers got the "Britney OK," lined up all the songs they wanted to use, added in some dialogue, and hit record on the video camera. And I'm sorry, when exactly to Mr. Shu become so insecure? Cause I missed that evolution.

2. We all know Brit Brit is not a great actress, but she agrees to be in the freakin' episode and that's how you use her? I love Santana, but come on! How great would it have been if Brittany and Britney had performed "Me Against the Music." Un, awesome.

3. I know Heather Morris is an INCREDIBLE dancer, but she doesn't have Britney's umpf. Brit can perform the heck out of a paper bag. Heather can dance the heck out of a potato sack, but I just need some more attitude. And I think the girl is HILARIOUS (yes, I like all caps for emphasis) with her one liners, but they seemed to lose their zest when they become paragraphs. She's so funny because she's so simple, but when the thoughts become, well, full fledged thoughts, they lose the funny part of being so random. They become too thought out. (And though I did think the reveal of her last name was funny, could have used a little more build up.)

4. I love Britney. I would just like to preface this by saying that. But she's not exactly the best singer in the biz. But her music is supposed to sound gritty and synthesized and, well, overly produced. Lea Michele, bless her beautiful voice, just made it sound too pretty. Too much like a little girl playing dress up. Brit Brit made it scandalous. Normally, the Glee cast adds so much to a song, making it their own. But these versions of all the songs erased all of Brit's attitude, making it fluff. Annoying fluff.

5. THOUGH, I did love Mr. Shu's voice added to Toxic. A male voice was a nice touch. Of course, I was a little distracted by his ridiculous and completely out of character antics to be able to pay much attention.

6. Why did Kurt not get a solo? He was the Britney advocate and didn't even get to be in Stronger. He totally could have rocked it.

7. Which leads me to, why would you copy all of the other videos, yet have a perfectly good set up with Artie in the chair and not use the Stronger dance routine? It could have been AMAZING. Cheap.

8. Where was Oops? I could even write a great scene for that song. Just because you put on the space suit, doesn't mean the song was represented. And I'm Not a Girl? Um, Lea could have actually done something great with that. Sometimes? Even Boys. There are some great songs that could have organically been put in. It worked in the Madonna episode. Even Lady Gaga (I believe Poker Face was used well). But I just don't know what happened here.

9. On a positive note, I LOVE John Stamos as Carl. This I can work with. Keep him around! Especially with how annoying Shu was. Ugh! (Sue was great, though. Jane Lynch rocks my world just like she does everyone else's.)

10. And, finally, a Paramore song? Honestly? Everything has been all about this fantastic Britney episode that's coming up, and you end with a Paramore song? But the part that gets me the most...it was the only rendition of all of the songs that I actually liked and might download. That hurts.

Ok. I feel better. I don't go on TV rants much anymore, but COME ON! Britney was on Glee, and it was awful. Cringe-worthy. Done now.

XO-

EBG

If I Die Young

If I Die Young - The Band Perry

Album - The Band Perry EP (Full length out in October)

I don't know a lot of country music. And I definitely don't know how to find new country music. So, that's my sister's job. Today, after telling me that she downloaded A Fine Frenzy thanks to my Excellent Use of Music in TV Award last week, she sent me the name of The Band Perry. I had never heard of them, but I'll listen to anything once.

So, I go to their MySpace page (I hope MySpace learns to capitalize on the music, they might stick around for a while), and listen to the first song. If I Die Young. Then I listen to it again. Then I look up the lyrics. Then I watch the video. Then I watch the behind the scenes of the video. And then I watch the video on writing the song. Am I obsessed?

I don't have a fear of death. Or maybe I should say I don't have any sort of fear of the afterlife. What I do fear is not accomplishing everything I want to while I'm alive. I don't believe in Bucket Lists (though I do love The Buried Life on MTV). As much as I'm a checklist person, I don't need to "do" a bunch of things before I die to feel like I've had a full life. I want to be able to look back and say that I loved infinitely, laughed often, danced in the rain at every given chance, and that I left the world a better place than when I entered it. I absolutely love adrenaline rushes, and I'm usually up for almost anything. An adventure seeker some might call it. But that's part of my personality, it's what fuels me. It's not what I want to do. I want to connect people, help different parts of the world understand each other, understand tolerance. We're not really all that different, and I think the world would be a much happier, more peaceful place if we could just understand that. Understand similarities, enjoy differences.

But that being said, I don't feel like I've really done that, yet. And my greatest fear is leaving this earth before I do. I want to believe the words of this song, to sing them to myself and be at peace with death. But I'm not, yet. I don't feel like I've done anything "great" with my life. What's stopping me? Laziness? Fear of failure? I don't think it's either of those.

A friend posted this quote on her facebook page the other day. I actually think this sums it up more than anything else. I think I don't always feel like I deserve to be great:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same."

But now is a better time than any to start being great. Fabulous. Fierce. I love that word. Fierce. It feels strong, passionate, ready. That's what I feel now. Fierce.

Now, I just need to put it to use. And the only thing that's stopping me is...well, me. The more we give to the world, the more we get back. Life takes work. Relationships take work. Dreams take work. The question is, am I willing to work? Am I willing to risk it all?

I spend a lot of time afraid to want things because they may not be what God wants for me. But these past few months, I've tried to focus on lining up my wants with God's wants. I guess now is the time to start trusting that we're finally on the same page and to allow myself to feel these wants, to walk, or better yet run, towards them. If I'm going to trust God to lead more towards infinite happiness, I also have to trust that he's put me on the right path. Doesn't matter where I've been or how I got here. A new path begins with each step, enabling a change of direction, a change of scenery, a change of the outcome. Now, it's just putting my faith in that outcome, believing that my wants are not selfish. They're gifts that I only get if I work for them.

"The things, good Lord, that we pray for, give us the grace to labor for." - Saint Thomas More

XO-

EBG

Signs in the Leaves

Signs in the Leaves - Azure Ray

Album: Drawing Down the Moon

I haven't been great at keeping a journal since high school. Back then I did a pretty good job, but I have this thing with always wanting to "start over." So I would buy a new journal every few months to mark a new phase of life. What it boils down to is a whole lot of journals with just a few entries.

This year I started what I call my "Truth Journal." Sometimes it's hard for me to get all of my thoughts out in a coherent way, mainly because it takes too long to get to the point of what I'm needing to work through. I don't know why I always need to tell myself the backstory, but I guess that's just part of the sorting through my thoughts process. But now I have my "Truth Journal" which is basically a place where I list out (because I am my mother's child therefore LOVING lists) whatever I'm feeling. It can be anything from: I really hated XYZ movie to I lied today about liking a band to impress someone. And from I had the best conversation about ABC with so and so to I'm severely sad and lonely and don't know how to fix it.

I'm human. I have ups and downs. I feel like writing down the ups makes them sink in and it helps the downs seem not so bad. But today I had a large amount of things that are currently making me angry. I hate being angry. I feel like it's an ugly emotion and it makes me say things and behave in a way that I don't like who I am. I definitely don't want to list them here because I don't need to broadcast them to the world, but it's weighing so heavily on me.

I know we can't make people do and say the things we want them to do and say. I can't make people change. I'm not someone that hides my emotions. However, I don't talk about them a lot. Mainly because I don't always think that people care...or at least the people that I want to care often don't. It's a defense mechanism. If I feel like someone doesn't care, I walk away. If someone makes me feel sad or worse weak, I protect myself by creating distance. If I feel let down, I don't rely on that person anymore. It doesn't mean I love them any less, or that I won't be there for them, I just keep a part of myself hidden. I've never been someone that knows how to ask for help, so I can't be mad when people don't offer it. But I've started to realize that by closing a piece of myself off from the people that have hurt me, disappointed me, I'm also losing that feeling of connecting that we always long for.

I'm obsessed with the new Azure Ray album. Every song speaks to me in a different way. But tonight, it's this one:

I'm a little worried

That I killed something inside of me

When I let you go

Days were dark with you in my mind

I thought it best to be free

And now the birds don't sing

And the trees don't speak

And I don't see signs in the leaves

Anymore

I'm a little worried

That I killed something inside of me

When I let you go

It's a stranger's eyes that won't meet mine.

There's nothing left there to divide

'Cause the birds don't sing

And the trees don't speak to me

And I don't see signs in the leaves

Anymore

I'm a little worried

I'm a little worried

That I killed something inside of me

When I let you go

When I let you go

When I let you go

The truth is, I know the people that care about me would feel horrible if they knew how badly their actions sometimes hurt. But sometimes I just don't have it in me to tell them, to deal with their defenses or excuses. I also don't want to hurt them. Maybe I'm afraid the honesty would only drive more of a wedge. Or maybe I'm afraid the honesty would force them to act in a way that's not natural. Or maybe I just don't want to be needy, and it's easier to hurt in silence than ask someone to care about something they don't.

I know my views on the world are not always conventional, and that people don't always want to hear them. But it's taken me a long time (almost 30 years) to fully grasp what they are. How I look at life, love, family, our part in this world is so much a part of who I am. But I don't want to freely give them to people who don't want to hear...some of those people are the ones who love me the most. But I also know that that means if I keep all of these thoughts and beliefs bottled up inside, the people that I want to be closest to, the people that think they know me so well, never really will. And that breaks my heart.

XO-

EBG

Happy Working Song

Happy Working Song - Amy Adams
Album - Enchanted Soundtrack

This is one of those times where this was totally NOT my day...but I wish it was. I did clean all day to music, I just didn't have cute little rodents helping me. But my apartment is now SPOTLESS and organized (still very tiny, though). And my downstairs neighbor has started feeding squirrels so now when I walk by his apt to get to mine, they stalk me like they're about to attack. It's a little alarming and not near as adorable as the below video makes it seem like it would be.

(I would also like to note that the Disney fairy tale I wish was my life looks more like High School Musical than Cinderella, but really I'll take either. Singing and dancing? Count me in.)


XO-
EBG

Everyday

Everyday - Buddy Holly
Album - Peggy Sue B-Side

I have been humming this song all day. It's on a commercial right now, though I couldn't tell you which one. I've watched a LOT of TV in the past 24 hours, so there's no telling. But as I'm cleaning my apartment getting ready for the next 3 weeks (my friend Cait comes next week, then I fly to TX to spend a night at ACL in Austin, then onto to my hometown for the major wedding countdown), I just feel like this song is my life.

Of course the only line I repeat is the title line:

Everyday it's a gettin' closer, going faster than a roller coaster. Love like yours will surely come my way.

It's a happy song about life moving fast. And isn't that the truth? The happiest moments of my life have been the fastest. These next 3 weeks are going to be amazing, and I want to relish in them. But as much as I want my sister's wedding day to come (because it is going to be the happiest day of her life), I also don't. Because then it's over, and the fun and the celebrating will have come and gone. It's like summitting a mountain, you work so hard to get to the top, but after a few minutes of relishing in the view and your accomplishment, you have to go back down. But that being said, my favorite moment (besides relishing in the view) of hiking is after I've gotten back to the cabin and showered and can sit on the porch with a beer, letting my body ache, and smiling at the memory. Same thing with dances in high school. I would get home, get a big bowl of ice cream and sit on the couch in my dress and remember the night.

My guess is three weeks from tonight, I'll be doing the same thing...only in a bridesmaid's dress with wedding cake. Complete with a huge smile about how blessed I am...and probably very sore feet from dancing the night away. But if the roller coaster could slow down just slightly, it would be much appreciated. Or maybe I should just throw my hands in the air and let the adrenaline rush hit, laughing all the way.

XO-
EBG