Every so often a song comes along that just "gets" it. The Belle Brigade has a whole slew of them, an album full really. I've heard this album a number of times now, I'd been waiting for it to release months before it actually did. But last night I went to see them play at Amoeba Records in Hollywood (one of my favorite places on earth), and it was one of those moments where the song and the time and the place all collide at exactly the right time that awakens something inside of you. Maybe something as simple as a realization?
Last night, "Where Not To Look For Freedom" was that moment.
The past few months have been rough, hence the no posting. I haven't been able to get out of my head enough to put my thoughts into words or to really accomplish much of anything. I've been simply going through the motions, which if you know me even a little, you know is a bad sign. I'm an adventure seeker. I'm always looking for the next adrenaline rush, the next exploration of a new place or experience, the answers to questions I don't even know. So, for me to just stop everything almost sent me over the edge. I would sleep, work, and fill in every last second with social activities so I didn't have to face what the real problem was...I have no idea what I want. And that makes it really hard to get it.
But the truth is, I know what I want, from myself, from life, from others. It just became too hard to get it. Freedom is a big concept with me, I use the word a lot in my daily life. Freedom to be where I want when I want, to be who I want at all times, to think, speak, write and listen to whatever I want how I want. And instead I've been trapped. Trapped in financial constraints, age barriers (or dreads), and in the box I've placed around my life. The issue became that I couldn't move forward because no matter how hard I looked, I couldn't find anyone's life that I want to mirror mine after. I believed that these dreams I have, idealistic visions of the way life and the world should be could never be realized because they don't currently exist.
I was wrong.
"You cannot find your wisdom in someone else's story."
Unfortunately, writing your own story is, to put it lightly, difficult. It's easy to go through the motions, to live a cookie cutter life, and to be successful at it. What's not easy, is having a vision in your head, a deep desire, and having no idea how to achieve it. And that's where the change in my life has begun. I don't know the big steps, how to get from where I am now to where I want to be. However, everyday I can pray for direction for that first step, and then take a flying leap. And as soon as I land, I take another one. The path isn't clear, but my belief in the destination is. In Swahili, there's a saying "Pole Pole" (pole-ay, pole-ay). It means slowly, slowly. That's me. I'm a slow and steady person, that's how I achieve almost anything. It's not ideal as I would love immediate results. But it's how I thrive. One step at a time, but those steps never stop. And I get to enjoy the journey a little more. Because as I've learned many times, the view from the summit is breathtaking and worth every step, but you can't stay there forever. There are too many mountains to climb to just stay at the top of one for the rest of my life. Some I'll enjoy more than others, some will be harder, some freer. But each a new adventure, a new piece of the picture. A new answer, and a new experience that makes me...me.
XO-
EBG
