Cake...the way they should be sung

With a lot of spunk and emotion. Get ready for the "YAAAAA!"

Enjoy!

XO-

EBG

New Music Alert (The Rescues; Paris Carney)

At least new to me...

I went Monday night to hear singer-songwriter Paris Carney at Room 5, and then onto Hotel Cafe to see The Rescues. I love nights when a friend calls and says, "Hey, want to go hear this singer/band," and I go with no prior knowledge of the band or their music...and then leave with at least one or two new songs that I immediately want to go buy. It's hard for any music group to completely win me over these days...I used to think it was all or nothing. Or at least I used to be an all or nothing fan. But these days I'm finding something to appreciate in everyone.

First off, Room 5 is a very cool little venue. It's a small lounge above a restaurant on La Brea. There's a small bar and probably 10 round tables with 4 or 5 bright red vintage chairs around each of them. Monday night is singer-songwriter night, and because we already had tickets to Hotel Cafe, we only went to hear one artist. Paris Carney was a little mix of Taylor Swift, Demi Lovato, and A Fine Frenzy, three singers I'm a fan of. Her songs were catchy and she let two of her friends come up and sing songs of their own during her set (giving time to the lesser known...great quality). She was spunky and sweet, and a little ditzy without being dumb or annoying.

Here is one of her songs sung at Room 5 (but not on Monday).


Then onto Hotel Cafe (which we all know is one of my favorite places in the world). First off, it was packed! I haven't seen that many people in that small space since probably Rachael Yamagata (who I worship). The band was not quite what I expected. The Rescues are two guys and two girls all singing different versus, songs, and harmonies in a way that pretty much reminds me of a country band or a praise and worship band that has released a secular album. They sounded great, but the problem with hearing a band you don't know for the first time is all of the songs pretty much sound the same, not a bad thing if you like the sound. I don't know if the sound as a whole won me over, but there were two songs that definitely stood out to me.

BREAK ME OUT (this is apparently their "big" hit)


CAN'T STAND THE RAIN


I read that they've had songs on both One Tree Hill and Grey's Anatomy (two great shows to discover new music), thought I can't really picture their songs working for the montage scenes that both these shows are known for. I'll have to go back and search out the episodes.

All-in-all, a nice night of music. My life wasn't changed, but definitely enhanced. And I left being haunted by the line "I wanna see the sunrise from anywhere but here." I have a feeling it'll be following me around for awhile...always the mark of a good song.

XO-
EBG

It's Potter Time!

In honor of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1 opening night, I made a playlist. Please, don't be shocked. I toyed with a number of themes, made lists of different songs I'd like to include, and finally settled on the most obvious. Magic.

There were just some great songs that came to light when I put on my Sorting Headphones, and it felt appropriate. So, enjoy!

1. Do You Believe In Magic? - The Lovin' Spoonful
2. Magic - B.O.B. ft Rivers Cuomo
3. Everything's Magic - Angels & Airwaves
4. Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic - The Police
5. Magic Marker - Monsters Of Folk
6. Magic - Bruce Springsteen
7. As If By Magic - La Roux
8. A Kind of Magic - Queen
9. The Magic Of a Kind Word - Belle & Sebastian
10. Magic Touch - Aerosmith
11. Magical Mistakes - Athlete
12. Magic Bus - The Who
13. Magic Trick - M. Ward
14. Magic Man - Heart
15. Magic - Ben Folds Five
16. Cool Magic - The Stve Miller Band
17. Magic In the Air - Badly Drawn Boy
18. Magic Carpet Ride - Steppenwolf
19. Blue Magic - Jaz-Z
20. Magic - The Cars
21. Little Miss Magic - Jimmy Buffett

XO-
EBG

It's probably everyone's video of the day...

It's still amazingly awesome.



XO-
EBG

I Knew Them When...

Baby - Justin Bieber

Covered by Green River Ordinance

I used to interview these boys at KTCU when they were like 12. Wow, they've grown up. I love all their music, but everyone knows I'm a sucker for cheesy pop songs. Enjoy!

XO-
EBG

Secret Meeting

Secret Meeting - The National
Alligator

"I had a secret meeting in the basement of my brain."
I've been very thoughtful lately. And by that I don't me "thinking of others." I literally mean "full of thoughts." It hasn't been bad, or sad, or even confusing. Maybe it's because I'm so close to finishing Cloven and sending it out again that I spend most of my time in Graves Parish and Cesura these days. Do people know when they talk to me that I'm only half listening? The other half is in a fantasy world I created buried deep in my soul trying desperately to surface. After 2 1/2 years of really writing, and almost 5 years of creating this story, it feels so good for it to finally come together. I'm just afraid to leave it, I don't want to lose it again. I have to keep at least part of my focus there at all time because I don't know if I can find it again if it disappears...

But I'll be back to the world of the living (ha. if you've read it, you get it) soon. January 28. It's really not that far away.

XO-
EBG

Someday I will have a child exactly like this...

CMA Awards

I'm just going to say it...I don't really listen to country music. My T. Swifty obsession is pretty apparent in my day-to-day, but in general, country just doesn't usually fit my mood. But I decided that if I'm going to have a music blog, I need to include all types...at least all types I can stomach. So, I got home last night just in time for the CMA's to begin. I was going to write just a few gut reactions, but it turned into more of a play-by-play. I've never been a reviewer, so don't expect that from me. I like what I like, and what I didn't like...well, that's listed below as well. It's written in present tense because I wrote as I watched, so if you weren't watching or really paying attention you'll probably have no idea what I'm talking about. I'll try to post pictures when I can to help.

First off, I LOVE Carrie Underwood’s first outfit, especially her hot red shoes. I can’t understand most of what she’s saying, but something about “You were mean to me and since you were I’m writing this song.” That’s the one thing I’ve never really understood about country…they keep talking about writing songs instead of just singing them. It’s all “I love you so I wrote you this song” or in this case “I hate you so I wrote you this song.” Why not just write a love or a hate song? It’s like in Easy A (which I loved) but Emma Stone kept having to clarify “This is a John Hughes’ reference.” Just give us the reference, we’re smart, we can pick up the rest. But nonetheless, I think that Carrie Underwood is beautiful and charismatic, and I have been a fan of hers since American Idol…just don’t ask me what songs she sings.

Ok, so my first thought is: Where have I been? I didn’t realize country music stars were so freakin’ cute. I’m not sure how great these guys sound, but I would have made the switch a long time ago had I known this was the pool to choose from. Cutie-patooties. And there’s just something sweet, nice, Southern about a country musician. Of course there is something dirty, hot, and sexy about an indie rock musician…I’m going to have to find someone that combines the two. I have faith it’s possible.

Carrie and Brad Paisley have nice chemistry. I like this banter going back and forth and the spontaneously staged singing. It's nice that they're making fun of the world and not necessarily their fellow country artists. Except the "mix-up" between Lady Antebellum and Lady Gaga. I actually laughed out loud...it might have been scripted, but it was funny.

Lady Antebellum wins Single of the Year with “Need You Now”! And it’s a song that I know! And I already own! It’s like I’m a country music fan. Who knew? But what’s their story? 2 boys and a girl…anything I should know there? Not that I’m judging. I like them, they have big smiles, and sincere gratitude.

Um, did anyone else just notice Dawes on the Chevy commercial? First commercial break of the CMA's...at least PST.

Rascal Flatts, another country band that I actually know. But I’m bored. What are they even singing about? And I’m a fan, well, I like them. But they seem bored. They sound ok, but besides all the flashing lights in the background, it’s hard to tell they even care they’re there.

Hello, Kellie Pickler’s boobs and hair…and shiny gold dress. W-O-W.
Next: Miranda Lambert wins Song of the Year. I do not know the song she won for. And moving on...
So, I’ve heard Blake Shelton’s name before…but, hello, freakin’ adorable.
Before tonight I couldn’t have picked him out of a crowd or his song off of a mix tape, but if I’m going to turn the country direction, he has potential for making the cut.
He was fun, sounded great, and had the ladies screaming. Apparently, he’s engaged to Miranda Lambert, so to keep the ladies screaming like he did takes some mojo. I don’t know if I’m ready to go out and buy the album, but the single is definitely going to make its way into my iTunes…maybe even on a mix tape.

I came into this really wanting to like Miranda Lambert, soon to be Mrs. Shelton, but this live performance is not doing it for me. I do like the fact that she’s wearing the same outfit she had on when she won though. I have a feeling her album sounds better than this (award shows rarely sound great…unless you’re Florence + the Machine), but there’s no melody to her voice. It just sounds flat…not like a flat key…just no tune. But I do love the fact that country music has another star couple. There’s just something a lot more wholesome about them than say…Britney and Justin or Rihanna and Chris Brown.

GEORGE STRAIT! I love him from the days that I listened to country music more than not. Wow, he’s gotten old. I mean that in the nicest way possible. Ok, I’ve heard this song before, the one about “Moments taking your breath away.” I didn’t know it was George, and I’m kind of glad I didn’t. This is why I don’t listen to country very much, I can’t handle the blatant use of clichés. Especially ones that are so overused anyway. I totally agree with what the song is saying, but it’s been said before. And before that. And before that. It just feels very unoriginal. But who remembers Pure Country? “I Cross My Heart” now that was a nice spin on an old cliché. Plus I was like 12 when it came out, so that’s another thing.

New Artist of the Year: I don’t know who any of these people are. No, really. I don’t know who any of these people are. Oh! Except the Zac Brown Band because my friend Cait has been listening to them non-stop. Guess I’m adding them to the potential Music Review of 2010. I think a live performance is coming soon…I should probably hear a song before I judge. (There seem to be a lot of them on stage. Are they all in the band?)

And Zac Brown Band is up. Do they pass the test? I’m not sure what the test entails, but I’m digging this. Cait, you were right. Oh, and Alan Jackson. Another that I listened to back in the day. “Don’t be fallin’ in love as she’s walkin’ away…” I can get behind this. I still don’t know who the other New Artist contenders were, but from just this song, I’m not going to argue with the winner.

Kenny Chesney I have actually seen live. Oh, yes, I have been to a country concert. And it was a really good one at that! This song is making me a little teary eyed, especially after growing up in Texas. I feel like the videos playing in the background could have been any one of my guy friend’s lives in high school. Stars and Stripes? Is that what it’s called. It’s nice, not quite changing my life, but I’m enjoying the moment. (Ha. Just looked it up. It’s called Boys of Fall. Appropriate.)

YAY T. Swifty! I just love her…especially when she’s singing songs about Taylor Lautner (Back to December). I mean, I’m not saying she sounds the best…but I feel like she still feels every word she’s singing. And now, it’s snowing. I love this song because on an album full of her telling an array of boys (and a certain actress) exactly what she thinks of them and how they screwed her over, this song is her saying she was in the wrong. It’s the first song I can think of hers that says “I screwed up, and I don’t know how to fix it.” I think that’s just as hard to say as telling someone they broke her heart. I feel like she should be wailing a little bit though, she seems to be holding back. Sing it, T. Swifty. (I kind of wish she had sung Revenge. That song just makes me happy.)

PS. Did everyone notice the suprised "What?" at the end? Apparently it was her reaction to a standing ovation. I heart her.

Oh, wow there’s a ballerina theme happening now. I don’t know what’s happening, but this apparently is the number one song in country music…Sugarland’s Stuck Like Glue. She is super adorable, but I do not like this song. I really really want to, though. She’s got this deep “Wa-oh, wa-oh” thing going on that I’m kind of grooving to. There’s just a lot repeating. And I don’t really understand how the outfit correlates with the song…but you know, NSYNC did some WEIRD things when they used to perform on award shows. So, I’m just going to let that go.

Vocal Group of the Year goes to…oh, Little Big Town! I know them…well, not personally. My friend Heather just toured with them and thought the world of them. And, I really like The Band Perry, or at least “If I Die Young.” (Lady Antebellum actually won the award. I’m a supporter of this decision.)

Hahahahahaha: Modern Family: “That was a stop sign.” “I’ll stop twice on the way back.”

Keith Urban = Sexy. I totally get it, Nicole. But he’s singing again about “Putting you in a song.” You already put her in the dang song, do you really need to tell us? Are we really that dumb? That being said, this is a catchy tune, and my foot is tapping along with it. I know I’m contradicting myself, but I’m digging this. And he actually sounds really good live, unlike some of his counterparts.

Reba…she still looks fantastic! But I’m not so sure about singing from a boy’s POV. This song kind of makes me uncomfortable. It must just be that I’m hearing all of these songs for the first time, so I’m really listening to them…but is this weird to anyone else? Remember “Fancy”? There was a lot inappropriate with that song, too, but I fell in love with it before I ever knew what it meant. That must be the difference…

Carrie Underwood is so freakin’ beautiful. And her outfits/dresses are amazing. I really like the yellow one! Jason Aldean (had to look up the spelling). I think the volume on my TV just went down, I can’t really hear him. Um, is that Kelly Clarkson? I should make it very clear now that I’m not a big fan of hers (nothing to do with her personally, I’ve just never gotten into her voice), so this performance is probably not going to win me over. And her bright pink earpiece is a little distracting. But besides that she looks beautiful. And I hear she’s really nice, plus I have a lot of friends that are big fans. But no, I don’t really “Want To Stay.”

Oh, Little Big Town…a little T. Swifty a capella is maybe the best performance of the night! Album of the Year: Miranda Lambert…in a pretty white dress! A short, pretty white dress. And very visible boobs. I really like her, though. She’s fun and a little feisty. I will give her album a try and report back at a later date.

Wow. Kid Rock has not changed one bit. Maybe his clothing, but he is exactly the same. I actually saw him perform in a little club in Malibu for Pamela Anderson’s birthday back in the day when they were dating. I also saw him at a restaurant hanging out with Justin Timberlake once. I don’t think they were there specifically to hang out together, but they were chatty. “I Was Born Free.” Yes, we were…but I got nothing besides that about him. He’s a character, he amuses me. I think I used to own “Cowboy”…but I’ve been through a few iPods/computers since then. Actually, it was way before iPods. So, I might have never owned it. But I enjoyed it once upon a time. (Misty, keep ALL the facial hair. This is not a good look for Luke.)

Brad Paisley…you are super cute, but I just don’t get the whole concept of announcing what you’re singing about. These country music folks are very proud of where they come from. I like his voice, I like his simplistic charisma, and I’m a huge fan of Sexy Tractors (that was him, right? Or was that Kenny…? It was Kenny. I don’t know what else Brad sings), but maybe it’s because I don’t listen to it very often and can’t sing it, but I just can’t relate to being part of the country music family. There are no emotions in this song that I can draw from, and I feel a little left out. Oh, except now that he’s repeating famous lyrics of songs that I do hold close to my heart. Sorry, though, it’s not enough. But, you’re still pretty.

Vocal Duo of the Year goes to…Sugarland. Just not feeling them. But then again, I didn’t know Brooks & Dunn were still making music. Maybe the voters didn’t know, either. (But I do like Sugarland's personalities. I might not want to buy their album, but dinner would be fun!)

Hello, cuteness that is Lady Antebellum. “Hello World,” I think I’m a fan. It’s soft and controlled, yet strong. And I LOVE the lights on the stage. Finally, a song that I’m actually relating to. Even without a wife and children, I get this message…about coming home to “real life” and how “real life” can be so much better than our daydreams. I felt a little flutter from that performance.

Male Vocalist of the Year…Contenders are: oh, I’ve seen Dierks Bentley live, too! He was a great show! Ok, Blake and Miranda win my couple of the month award. And Blake Shelton is stealing my heart left and right. He wins for the night!

I am a HUGE fan of this song! (The Band Perry – If I Die Young) It was actually a song of the day not that long ago. And they sound really good. I like country, you don’t need all the spectacles…the simpler the performance, the better. I’m just not so sure about their hair. Wait! Where did they go…I wanted that whole song. Come back!!! And, now we’re back to blaring commercials, so, I'll just post it here:


Oh, good. I’m glad Carrie is performing again. I wanted her to have another chance. (What’s up with all the videos playing in the background? Is that normal for the CMA’s?) Her dress is gorgeous, Disney princess fairytale gorgeous, except I don’t think she can move in it. This is a nice song, “He Is Good” (or Mama’s Song for those country music fans). This is a very sweet performance, and I can relate it to my sister’s wedding a few weeks ago (See me finding an emotional connection?). I can understand country music…when they’re not singing about country music. I’m assuming that’s her husband in the video? Or maybe just an actor playing her husband, which is a little awkward, but I get it. Ok, this is a fun beat. Dierks Bentley “Up On the Ridge.” It’s a little playful, a little dirty, a little stalkerish sounding. I don’t know if it’s his voice or the song, though, but it’s not very pretty to listen to. I would say that I should download all of these songs and then compare the recording to the live music…but I just don’t see that happening. I’ll put it on Grooveshark tomorrow…not going to count anyone out just, yet.

(I’m a fan of Sissy Spacek. Just throwing that out there.)
Miranda's voice is winning me over a little singing Loretta Lynn (Her personality has already won me). This doesn’t build up her own album that much in my book, but at least as a country superstar, I get it a little more. Sheryl will always be “Strong Enough” to me, it’s hard for me to transfer her to country. But I’m going to get on this train anyway. They’re two talented women, and they sound really good right now. But Loretta just blew them out of the water. Why have someone else cover your song when you can still belt it yourself? And the outfit just makes it that much better. I want to hear her sing some more…guess that will be adding to Grooveshark tomorrow as well.

Female vocalist, that’s actually a really hard one. I can’t judge the winner, I just need to listen to Miranda’s album. The sound clips they’re playing right now have potential. And I absolutely love seeing people win awards with their idols standing right next to them. It’s inspiring and heartwarming. But, really, that dress?

I love when actors actually sing when they play musicians in movies. Gwyneth’s performance of Country Strong just convinced me to go see the movie that previously wasn’t on my list. Not sure if it’ll be good or not, but at least I know I’ll enjoy her. And, see, this song talks about being “Country Strong” without having to say “I’m a country singer and strong and here is a song about it.” I realize this was written for a movie, but just saying it can be done.


And final award, Entertainer of the Year: “If you see a turtle on a fencepost it had help getting up there.” I LOVE THAT! Ok, I’ll download this album. Brad Paisley, you are a stellar person. And this is a great acceptance speech, tears and all. He thanks the fans, his wife, and country radio. Nice!

I would like to end this by saying, I’m really impressed with the Nashville family. They all seem to get along, support each other, and genuinely believe in each other’s talents. In a world that is so torn apart and competitive, it’s really nice to witness this. Away from the Hollywood hoopla, it feels like this world just enjoys playing their music…together. It’s a nice change.

Fake Empire

Fake Empire - The National

Album: Boxer

Sometimes, when the weight of the world becomes too much to bear, I find myself slipping into a superficial state. It's a place where the only things that matter are the pumpkin spiced latte from Starbucks, the great pair of heels that I make my calves look incredible (but I can't walk in), and the unobtainable musician that may or may not have someone else in his eyeline. It's a place where a swoop of mascara and a dab of lipstick instantly make me prettier, and I can bat my eyelashes at a stranger trying to lure them into flirty eye contact if only for a wistful moment. This fake empire is a state of mind, where I block out heartache and sorrow and the struggles cascading down around me. I force questions out of my head instead filling my thoughts with cheesy pop lyrics, glasses of wine, and conversations about the difficult lives of the cast of 90210 and Gossip Girl.

But I can't live in this world forever. I don't want to live in this world forever...only to escape into it for a few fleeting moments when my heart can't take anymore of the real world I live in. It's a gentle reprieve, and I'm grateful for it.

Today the world lost an amazing man. My great uncle, I think is what he is, my uncle's uncle (but no blood relation) died this morning. We may have only been related through marriage, but he was more of a grandfather to me than one of my blood ones ever was. He was strong and kind and I don't know if I ever saw him without a bow tie around his neck. Every childhood memory I have of holidays, birthdays, even Sunday mornings at church, he is a part of. We grew really close after his first wife died when I was in elementary school, and I would sit next to him in the pew at church every week. I have a very small family, so each member is incredibly important and loved. And he's the first to go in a long time.

I know that all life eventually leads to death, and he had lived an amazingly good and long life. But it still gives that "what's the point" feeling. We live, we grow old (if we're lucky), and we die. It's a cycle that never ends, and sometimes it hurts so much, that I wish it would. Hurt is the wrong word. Pointless. Sometimes life simply feels pointless...and that leaves me feeling empty.

But most of all, I'm worried about my cousins. I only have two and growing up they were more like brothers than cousins. I talked to both of them tonight, and they seemed strong, but...lost. Lost in not knowing exactly what to feel. Big Mike was a man they looked up to tremendously, a man they loved with their whole hearts, and even though they've been preparing for months for today, it didn't help. My baby cousin, who's 25, and his fiance just got approved for a house today, a short time before he heard the news. Strange, it's almost like my post two weeks ago, about such extreme happiness and sadness mixed together that you don't know which is which. I think James had such a roller coaster of a day that he's been left suspended mid-air, not sure whether he's being taken to the top or about to be dropped to the bottom. Maybe both. And Trey, Trey I can't read very well anymore. We don't talk as much, and we've taken different directions with our lives, but I would call him the more sensitive of the two. We only spoke for a few minutes, but I didn't get the feeling the realization had sunk in quite, yet. And it might not until he gets home and the whole family is together.

And then there's my uncle. I can't get the picture out of my head of him holding his father's hand until he finally let go of life. But the vision is clouded by tears. I remember when my dad's mother died and trying to watch my dad for his reaction of what was going through his head. But he never really showed much emotion to me. I don't know if it's because he thinks he needs to be strong for the rest of the family or if it's easier to be emotional alone. If that's the truth, I think I get that from him.

It's a sad day. And I know the sad days only exist to make the good days brighter. But right now I just want to hide away for a little while...and when the sun rises tomorrow, start again.

XO-

EBG

The Chain

The Chain - Ingrid Michaelson

Album: Everybody (Live version on Be OK)

I don't know the last time an artist brought tears to my eyes. But this song did something to do me last night. It's not quite a Core Craver...it's a Soul Sweller. I just made that up. Normally, a song that makes my soul swell is because I understand it so well, I can put a face or emotion to it, and I just simply "get" the lyrics. This one is different because I don't really have anyone that fits inside the perimeter. I did at one time have a series of people, boys, men, that I could have felt this way about (and by series I mean like 4, not like a line around the block), but that time has passed. Some of them I never dreamed would ever disappear that far from my life, but time really does heal all. This song brought up old feelings I haven't felt in quite awhile, not necessarily for these certain boys, but the memory of what it was like once upon a time. It's been a long time since that memory has been as vivid as it was last night, and it made me realize how much I've missed it.

It's an interesting moment, a defining one, when you realize you are over someone. It's not the "I'm done with you" moment or the "I refuse to cry about you anymore" moment, either. It's weeks, months, sometimes years later that you realize the feelings that once meant everything to you are gone. Doesn't mean I don't care, about them...about him. It just means The Chain doesn't immediately come off if he were to reappear. It would be a beginning again, a beginning that I don't yearn for, that I don't dream about, that I don't even miss.

The Chain is ready for something new. Maybe that's a person, maybe it's an adventure, maybe it's a best selling book (it could happen). "Battle scarred, I'm working oh so hard, to get back to who I used to be" (That's A Fine Frenzy, not Ingrid, but I'm mixing now). The work has been done, I'm more me than I've been in years, and I feel as if I might take flight at any moment.

XOXO-

EBG

Imitosis

Imitosis - Andrew Bird
Album: Armchair Aphocrypha

First off, thank you, Misty for this song. I was looking for the right song for this mood and nothing was coming. I was handing out songs to other people left and right, but for me...I was coming up blank.

I'm going to expand on this later, but I'm about to go see Ingrid at the Troubadour, so I don't want to damper my mood...but basically, it's one of those songs that I feel has so much truth to it, and I'm determined to defy it. I don't post the entire lyrics that often, but this time it's needed. Dwell on them for awhile, and tomorrow I'll give you my thoughts...along with my Ingrid review.

he's keeping busy
yeah he's bleeding stones
with his machinations and his palindromes
it was anything but hear the voice
that says that we're all basically alone

poor Professor Pynchon had only good intentions
when he put his Bunsen burners all away
and turning to a playground in a Petri dish
where single cells would swing their fists
at anything that looks like easy prey
in this nature show that rages every day
it was then he heard his intuition say

we were all basically alone
and despite what all his studies had shown
that what's mistaken for closeness
is just a case of mitosis
and why do some show no mercy
while others are painfully shy
tell me doctor can you quantify
he just wants to know the reason why

why do they congregate in groups of four
scatter like a billion spores
and let the wind just carry them away
hows can kids be so mean
our famous doctor tried to glean
as he went home at the end of the day
in this nature show that rages every day
it was then he heard his intuition say

we were all basically alone
despite what all his studies had shown
that what's mistaken for closeness
is just a case of mitosis
sure fatal doses of malcontent through osmosis
and why do some show no mercy
while others are painfully shy
tell me doctor, can you quantify?
the reason why


XOXO-
EBG

Only a Broken Heart

Only a Broken Heart - Tom Petty
Album: Wildflowers

Misty and I are beginning an extremely long journey through music history (being taught by her beloved Luke and Easton, whom I have a feeling will quickly become my beloveds as well). In preparation, I was given a list of musicians/bands that I needed to begin brushing up on. I decided to start with the already familiars that I haven't listened to in awhile or know that I enjoy, but maybe don't know as well. The truth is, I didn't really grow up in a house of music. We listened to musicals, but my dad never liked the radio on when we were driving and we never used the record player we had forever. It's not like my parents don't like music, they just weren't music people (I think I get it from my aunt, though our tastes can vastly differ). So, I've felt like most of the past 10 years that I've known music outside of Top 40 exists, I've been playing catch up. I do a pretty good job of staying current, but anything before 2000/2001 I just don't really know.

So, where Petty is concerned, I know his greatest hits. But now, I'm digging a little deeper.

"Only a Broken Heart" fits my mood today. One of my friends lost her mom last night, one of my friends is moving into her first house that she will own with her husband and daughter this weekend, and another friend gets married tomorrow. How is it possible to be so happy for one person and so sad for another at the same time? It doesn't even feel split down the middle, it's more that the emotions are swirling together, almost combining into one brand new emotion that doesn't have a name. The more times I listen to this song, the more points of view I see it from. Sometimes I'm the person he's singing about, sometimes the person singing, and sometimes I see God as the subject and "Life" as the singer. It's not a sad song, it's an honest one.

"But don't be afraid anymore, it's only a broken heart." The ironic part is, I don't feel that the line is being sarcastic, nor diminishing the pain of a broken heart. It's more of "This is part of life" it's going to happen, and you're going to get through it. And that's how this feeling inside of me is best labeled. Yes, the pain hurts, but it's also mixed with this extreme happiness, and knowing that both exist make the pain not so bad, but it also makes the light brighter. I know there's an end to pain, maybe not in this life, but at least in the one after. And knowing that there is pain, makes the great moments mean...everything. The fact that people I'm close to, even if far away they at least share my thought space, can affect me so completely in such vastly different ways only proves that pure happiness and pure sadness can exist together. Neither can rule, and if you try too much to let one have power over the other, then you'll be left powerless.

Instead, I let both come and go as they must, I feel each to the fullest, and I love through them and alongside them. I think that's survival, and in an odd way, it's peace.

XOXO-
EBG

Enchanted

Enchanted - Taylor Swift
Speak Now

No judging! This was really the only album release I could get excited about this week, and have now listened to it...a couple of times. I'm going to compile a playlist for October (I think that'll be my next strategy) of new music for the whole month...15-17 songs. But for now, this song will not leave my head.

And I kind of like it.

I'm single, that's no big surprise to anyone. Any of one my friends can give you their theory on why that is, but the truth being, I just don't very often find people that 1) Intrigue me, 2) Make me smile, and 3) I'm attracted to. I feel like in order to start a relationship, those 3 things have to be present. There is another list of "requirements" and "deal breakers" but those things come later. These 3 have to be there from the first meeting. And recently, in the past 2 months really, I have met 3 people that do all of the above. I wouldn't call them crushes per se, but I do find my mind drifting to them, and the thoughts that come make me both smile and become a little more curious about who these people really are.

And then came "Enchanted." It's basically the story of a girl (Taylor) who meets a boy, and for all intensive purposes, nothing happens. Except she spends the rest of the night wondering about him, small day dreams, simple hopes that maybe there could be something more than a slight spark.

"I was enchanted to meet you." I love how that phrase sounds. It's a more beautiful version of intrigue, but it's curiousity with fire. And that's how I feel, curiousity with fire...not just questions, but feelings that go with the questions. I don't know what those feelings are, but it might be nice to find out. Or not, and the simple act of just meeting in passing, nice conversations, and lasting smiles that leave me warm is all it was meant to be. It's a nice change of pace.

XOXO-
EBG

Dog Days Are Over...Again

Dog Days Are Over - Florence + the Machine

Album: Lungs

I know, I know. This song is pretty much the theme for my life. But it always just appears when I need it. Sometimes twice.

It's been a big few weeks, hence the no posting. My sister got married last Saturday and though I have compiled a list of my favorite moments of that day and the week prior, I probably won't post it until tomorrow. Since her wedding (which was the most perfect day God could have created), I've been on a constant swing of ups and downs. For 8 days I was surrounded by family and friends and laughing and celebrating, and it's a little jolting to all of the sudden find myself alone. So, while I have filled up my social calendar, I also have my next big deadline quickly approaching...a writer's conference I'm attending at the end of January. It's nose to the grindstone, but it also means a lot of sitting by myself writing. Not good for someone who hates being lonely. And it's also a lot of fighting with myself, and anyone who does any sort of art (and maybe other professions, I don't know) knows what that feels like. So, that brings us to today.

It was a long day at work. I was driving home, stuck in traffic that was not getting any better, and my mom (who usually distracts me) was out to dinner with my father and friends. The CD of Wuthering Heights that I'm on is all scratchy so I can barely understand it, KCRW was talking about something I didn't care about, and Radio Disney was just not playing good music. And for some stupid reason, I don't usually carry my iPod with me. All of this combined led me to do something I never do...I started flipping through radio stations. I landed on KROQ on a great guitar solo, though I can't for the life of me remember what song right now, and it soothed me immediately. I wanted it to last forever, but it didn't. And then, what should appear...Florence! But I was just so down that it did nothing for me. My go-to song for a guaranteed pick-up fell flat on its face. It played and I didn't even sing along. It's important to point out here that I never listen to stations that play this song so this might have been the first, maybe the second, that I've heard it on the radio. And I got nothing out of it. That in itself scared me more than anything.

So, the drive continued. I finally reach my neighborhood and it's not that there's no parking spots, just not one I like. I start circling the block flipping through more stations and land on Star 98.7 just as...Florence comes on again! And this time, it clicked. I started humming, then I started beating on my steering wheel, then I started singing. By the time it got to the clapping part towards the end, I was hitting my steering wheel so hard, I accidentally honked at the car in front of me. By the time the song was over, I was parked, smiling, and again ready to conquer the world. Someone (I'm going to say God) knew that I needed that song. And someone (God, again) also knew once wasn't going to be enough.

There's a lot of new music to catch up on. And this week, I'm taking a friend's suggestion (thank you, Micah) and going to conclude the week with my top picks narrowed down to 5-7 of my favorite songs that were released this week. It's like a mini-playlist. I should warn, however, that I'm super excited about the new T. Swifty album, so they might all be hers. Just putting that out there.

But for now...

XOXO-

EBG

A Great Cover One of My Favorite Songs

This just made me happy...so I wanted to share.

XO-

EBG

The Social Network

I saw The Social Network last night. And it's taken me about 12 hours of processing to be able to put my thoughts into words. First off, I thought it was done brilliantly. Aaron Sorkin's writing, David Fincher's directing, Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross' score, and especially Jesse Eisenberg's acting (along with Andrew Garfield and Justin Timberlake).

But I knew it would be a good movie. That's not what has had my brain turning all night, that's not what infiltrated my dreams, or what I've been struggling to understand. What The Social Network has done is take something so defining of my generation, and really now the world, and lifted the veil only to reveal a solid black curtain with a few holes we can sort of peek through.

Facebook has changed the world. The concept of social networking may have started slightly before with things like LiveJournal which launched in 1999 (and funny enough Zuckerberg used in the movie) and MySpace in August 2003 (which I thought had actually been before that). But Facebook is what has defined social networking. It took these vague ideas from MySpace and LiveJournal and Friendster or whatever other websites, and made something that 500 million people (more than 1 in 14 people in the world) are part of.

The part that I can't quite grasp has nothing to do with how this now 26 year old kid is now worth 6.9 billion dollars because of a website. It's how that in his Harvard dorm room at 19 years old, Mark Zuckerberg came up with an idea that has connected 500 million people in merely 6 years. The concept to me is unfathomable.

Since the world wide web launched in 1990 and Google in 1998, the world has become so much smaller while at the same time expanding the lives of individuals exponentially. We can now virtually see any place on earth from the comfort of our own homes. But Facebook created this forum for actually becoming "friends" with a person from any place on earth from the comfort of our own home. But, honestly, none of this is the point, it's more just my amazement. You either understand the impact of online social networking or you don't, that's another blog.

The point of this is Zuckerberg himself.

He refused to have anything to do with the writing of the book, Accidental Billionaire, and the making of the movie. So here is this man, still pretty much a kid, that is being portrayed on millions of screens throughout the country and probably soon the world with absolutely no certainty that any of it is truth. Jesse Eisenberg was fantastic in this David Fincher/Aaron Sorkin movie. From what I can tell he did an incredible imitation of Zuckerberg's speech and mannerisms. But how can he truly play the man if he has no idea what was going through the man's head through all of this? He can make up reasons for the dialogue and justifications for his actions, but how can he really know? His eyes show so much emotion, but what truth is there to that emotion? I don't have an answer, just posing the question.

And that leads me to this: I want Mark Zuckerberg to be a good person. I pretty much want everyone to be a good person, but that's beside the point. What happened to Eduardo Saverin is heartbreaking and horrible, and I'm glad that the movie captured so much of his story from a firsthand account. I "get" his side. But I don't want to believe a person that has united the world in such a defining and prolific way is a bad person. I want to clarify that I don't think the movie shows him as a villain at all. I think the movie shows him as a genius that did some really crappy things. But is that true? Is he a decent human being that, while maybe originally acting out of spite, has gone on to create something he truly believes makes the world better? I want to believe that. I want to come up with a million reasons for him screwing over his best friend. (I don't even think I need to draw attention to the twins because they basically just got brilliantly played and need to accept that they lost...with $65 million in their pockets.) But, honestly, I don't know what's inside Zuckerberg's soul. And it's taken me 12 hours of processing to be ok with not knowing, to quit trying to find reasons that what he did was somehow justifiable or not his fault, or that he even feels major remorse for it. And, most importantly, why it even matters to me.

From how the movie portrays him, and that's what this is based on, I think that he did feel pain for how things ended with his best friend. Eisenberg's eyes alone scream that at the end of the movie. But who knows? Mark Zuckerberg...and maybe anyone he has confided in. The story of how Facebook came to be is genius, it's powerful, and it's hard to watch. We, the world, reacted exactly how this 19 year old kid thought we would. One of my friends feels like we were just pawns in his game and it makes her angry, but I don't think that. I think he felt this great need for social connection, to belong, so in filling that void for himself he filled it for 500 million people across the world. But he knew just launching a website like MySpace was not going to make it happen. We're not dumb or stupid, we're desperate to feel like we belong. And sometimes that desperate desire takes over all rational thought.

The problem that has happened with Facebook is that it has given individual's power, over their lives, their friends, their portrayal of themselves. On Facebook you can make yourself be whoever you want to be, you give your opinions, you almost design your life. Zuckerberg gave people that power, and now people have started abusing it, as we humans do. Look at what we do to each other? I know I've definitely used Facebook to make statements about how great my life is, to vent about what makes me angry, and to even passive aggressively try making someone else feel bad or jealous (even if it's by doing something as stupid as posting "I miss you" on someone else's wall that I know they'll read). I feel like the past few months I've begun to watch myself more closely and what I do use Facebook for, but how can we judge this kid for his doings when we do the same thing? It might not be on a billion dollar scale, but when the intent is the same is there really a difference? Maybe. I don't really know the answer to that.

I don't know if Mark Zuckerberg is a good person or not. I do know that he created something that did "define a generation" and "change the world." And I have come to peace with knowing that. I do believe Facebook was his idea and is his baby. Just like him, it wouldn't be whole, wouldn't be what it is without all of the good and bad swirled together. Am I still fascinated by him? Definitely. Am I still curious about what was going on in his head through all of this? How could I not be? Do I hope that he is a good person who is just trying to do what he believes will make the world better? Yes, I desperately do.

But the looming question is why should it really matter to me whether or not he's the hero or the villain? I know why I want to know. I am a part of something that he created and possibly something that he created by using people, deceiving people, and betraying people that cared the most about him. And I don't know if I want to be part of something that was created in that way. But do I really need these answers? No. Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook and he gave it to the world. Now, it's ours. What we do with it is what matters. Mark may have created something that defined a generation, but what's important is what we allow that definition to say. Is the world better because of Facebook? Only if we're better with Facebook. I can't dictate how others use The Social Network, but I get to choose how I use it. And that, I can come to peace with.

XO-

EBG

PS. Just to relate this to music, I did think the score was PERFECT for the movie. Do I want to listen to it by myself in the dark with a bottle of wine? Not really. But if I did, then it wouldn't be the same, and if it was any different, it wouldn't have been as good. I hope that makes sense.

Also: GO SEE THE MOVIE. Bottom line, the story is fascinating, it did define our generation and everyone that was part of it is at the top of their game. Only complaint is that the rowing sequence was a little long, but that I can deal with.

Songs that make me Sing, Dance, and simply Smile

I could also refer to them as "Strength Songs" because when I do feel the itch to sing, dance, laugh out loud and I let myself freely do these things, I feel stronger. One of my friends is going through a hard time right now, so I felt she needed a good Mix Tape. Nothing too heavy, nothing too difficult to listen to. And especially nothing that makes you think too hard. There's a time and purpose for those songs, put this playlist was just about letting go of tension and enjoying a good day.

1. Dog Days Are Over - Florence + the Machine (no eye rolling. it goes on every mix tape from here to eternity)
2. Fearless - Taylor Swift
3. Be OK - Ingrid Michaelson
4. I Love Rock & Roll - Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
5. I Believe In a Thing Called Love - The Darkness
6. Let It Go - Mitchell Musso & Tiffany Thornton (yes, it's from a Disney Channel Movie)
7. You Can't Stop the Beat - Cast of Hairspray
8. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
9. I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked - Ida Maria
10. Don't Stop Believin' - Glee Cast (it makes me happier than the Journey version)
11. The Way You Make Me Feel - Michael Jackson
12. Welcome to the Black Parade - My Chemical Romance
13. Toxic - Britney Spears
14. It's Gonna Be Me - 'NSYNC
15. Love Today - Mika
16. Livin' On a Prayer - Bon Jovi
17. Fall Into Love - Rabbit!
18. Son of a Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield
19. I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas
20. Defying Gravity - Idina Menzel & Kristen Chenowith

Remember: no judgments. These songs make ME happy. And hopefully my friend.

XO-
EBG

Justin Timberlake is one of the most talented people...EVER

There. I said it, and I believe it. Of course, I did once beg God to let me marry him, but that's besides the point. I was 17. (Not that I would pass up a proposal if the offer was on the table now.)

Whether or not you're a fan or even connect with what he does, you can't deny his talent. But I also believe it doesn't come without a lot of hard work. You don't get to be good at so many things without putting in the effort.

Case in point:



XO-
EBG

Reason Why

Reason Why - Rachael Yamagata

Album - Happenstance

I met a friend at the mall today for lunch. As we sat talking, we were approached by a woman who told us there was quite a bit of energy surrounding us. Especially me. Now, this woman was a little awkward, yet I was intrigued. She went on to tell me that it was very positive energy, but there was also some jealousy floating around. Not from me, but someone else directed to me. (That in itself made me laugh. I don't quite have the envious life right now.)

Then she said that someone from my past was about to resurface, and it was someone who had hurt me and changed the way that I love. She also said that there is someone in my life now who wants to be with me but is immature and afraid of commitment. Great.

Of course, she didn't give me any names, but she did give me her card and told me she would do a full reading at her office down the street for $75. Or I could have the reading at the mall for $30 or 40. I had to get back to work. It's not that I don't believe in psychics, it's just that 1. I don't want to know the future and 2. I believe the future is subjective. (For you Twilight readers, it's a little in line with how Alice sees the future. You might be able to predict it if everything stays on its current course, but there are too many elements that can change, and once one of those alters its course, everything else does, too.)

But, I am curious. Who are these mystery people? Mr. Resurfacing could really only be 1 of 3 people. Actually, really only 1 of 2. We've all had our hearts broken, but there have only been 2 that have "changed the way that I love." There were only 2 that I trusted to never hurt me, and they did. The others, I always had a guard up, and though my heart broke when our relationships ended, I never really had a solid belief in them. But these 2, I never thought could do the damage they did. Some might be surprised that number 3 didn't really make the cut. But number 3 was never really a great love. I just desperately wanted him to be.

When I moved to Los Angeles, I listened to Ms. Yamagata over and over and over again. This was my parting song. This is my letting go song. The psychic didn't say what I should do when Mr. Resurfacing resurfaces, but I'm hoping it just brings peace. That I can wish the best for him, and maybe have a chance with Mr. Immature and Afraid of Commitment. Now that's someone that I have no idea who to guess. Who knew I had so many prospects?

There's been so much letting go and searching for peace happening within me lately that I find myself completely exhausted by the end of each day. It's almost like I am making room inside for someone new to be a part of my life, like I'm becoming whole so that I can give a piece of myself away.

"So, I'll head out alone and hope for the best.

We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried.

And if one of us makes it big, we can spill our regrets

And talk about how the love never dies.

But you and I, know the reason why

I'm gone and you're still there.

I'm gone and you're still there.

I'm gone and you're still there."

And my wish to Mr. Resurfacing, the wish that it took me a long time to be able to say and to mean: "I wish you well, and hope you find whatever you're looking for."

XO-

EBG

Glee Review - Britney Episode

I hate being disappointed. And I've been looking forward to this episode for a very long time. So, I'm just going to go for it and list my complaints...er, thoughts.

1. It wasn't even the anesthesia part of the story line I thought was weak, I just thought the whole episode was disjointed giving a very last minute thrown together result. Almost like the writers got the "Britney OK," lined up all the songs they wanted to use, added in some dialogue, and hit record on the video camera. And I'm sorry, when exactly to Mr. Shu become so insecure? Cause I missed that evolution.

2. We all know Brit Brit is not a great actress, but she agrees to be in the freakin' episode and that's how you use her? I love Santana, but come on! How great would it have been if Brittany and Britney had performed "Me Against the Music." Un, awesome.

3. I know Heather Morris is an INCREDIBLE dancer, but she doesn't have Britney's umpf. Brit can perform the heck out of a paper bag. Heather can dance the heck out of a potato sack, but I just need some more attitude. And I think the girl is HILARIOUS (yes, I like all caps for emphasis) with her one liners, but they seemed to lose their zest when they become paragraphs. She's so funny because she's so simple, but when the thoughts become, well, full fledged thoughts, they lose the funny part of being so random. They become too thought out. (And though I did think the reveal of her last name was funny, could have used a little more build up.)

4. I love Britney. I would just like to preface this by saying that. But she's not exactly the best singer in the biz. But her music is supposed to sound gritty and synthesized and, well, overly produced. Lea Michele, bless her beautiful voice, just made it sound too pretty. Too much like a little girl playing dress up. Brit Brit made it scandalous. Normally, the Glee cast adds so much to a song, making it their own. But these versions of all the songs erased all of Brit's attitude, making it fluff. Annoying fluff.

5. THOUGH, I did love Mr. Shu's voice added to Toxic. A male voice was a nice touch. Of course, I was a little distracted by his ridiculous and completely out of character antics to be able to pay much attention.

6. Why did Kurt not get a solo? He was the Britney advocate and didn't even get to be in Stronger. He totally could have rocked it.

7. Which leads me to, why would you copy all of the other videos, yet have a perfectly good set up with Artie in the chair and not use the Stronger dance routine? It could have been AMAZING. Cheap.

8. Where was Oops? I could even write a great scene for that song. Just because you put on the space suit, doesn't mean the song was represented. And I'm Not a Girl? Um, Lea could have actually done something great with that. Sometimes? Even Boys. There are some great songs that could have organically been put in. It worked in the Madonna episode. Even Lady Gaga (I believe Poker Face was used well). But I just don't know what happened here.

9. On a positive note, I LOVE John Stamos as Carl. This I can work with. Keep him around! Especially with how annoying Shu was. Ugh! (Sue was great, though. Jane Lynch rocks my world just like she does everyone else's.)

10. And, finally, a Paramore song? Honestly? Everything has been all about this fantastic Britney episode that's coming up, and you end with a Paramore song? But the part that gets me the most...it was the only rendition of all of the songs that I actually liked and might download. That hurts.

Ok. I feel better. I don't go on TV rants much anymore, but COME ON! Britney was on Glee, and it was awful. Cringe-worthy. Done now.

XO-

EBG

If I Die Young

If I Die Young - The Band Perry

Album - The Band Perry EP (Full length out in October)

I don't know a lot of country music. And I definitely don't know how to find new country music. So, that's my sister's job. Today, after telling me that she downloaded A Fine Frenzy thanks to my Excellent Use of Music in TV Award last week, she sent me the name of The Band Perry. I had never heard of them, but I'll listen to anything once.

So, I go to their MySpace page (I hope MySpace learns to capitalize on the music, they might stick around for a while), and listen to the first song. If I Die Young. Then I listen to it again. Then I look up the lyrics. Then I watch the video. Then I watch the behind the scenes of the video. And then I watch the video on writing the song. Am I obsessed?

I don't have a fear of death. Or maybe I should say I don't have any sort of fear of the afterlife. What I do fear is not accomplishing everything I want to while I'm alive. I don't believe in Bucket Lists (though I do love The Buried Life on MTV). As much as I'm a checklist person, I don't need to "do" a bunch of things before I die to feel like I've had a full life. I want to be able to look back and say that I loved infinitely, laughed often, danced in the rain at every given chance, and that I left the world a better place than when I entered it. I absolutely love adrenaline rushes, and I'm usually up for almost anything. An adventure seeker some might call it. But that's part of my personality, it's what fuels me. It's not what I want to do. I want to connect people, help different parts of the world understand each other, understand tolerance. We're not really all that different, and I think the world would be a much happier, more peaceful place if we could just understand that. Understand similarities, enjoy differences.

But that being said, I don't feel like I've really done that, yet. And my greatest fear is leaving this earth before I do. I want to believe the words of this song, to sing them to myself and be at peace with death. But I'm not, yet. I don't feel like I've done anything "great" with my life. What's stopping me? Laziness? Fear of failure? I don't think it's either of those.

A friend posted this quote on her facebook page the other day. I actually think this sums it up more than anything else. I think I don't always feel like I deserve to be great:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same."

But now is a better time than any to start being great. Fabulous. Fierce. I love that word. Fierce. It feels strong, passionate, ready. That's what I feel now. Fierce.

Now, I just need to put it to use. And the only thing that's stopping me is...well, me. The more we give to the world, the more we get back. Life takes work. Relationships take work. Dreams take work. The question is, am I willing to work? Am I willing to risk it all?

I spend a lot of time afraid to want things because they may not be what God wants for me. But these past few months, I've tried to focus on lining up my wants with God's wants. I guess now is the time to start trusting that we're finally on the same page and to allow myself to feel these wants, to walk, or better yet run, towards them. If I'm going to trust God to lead more towards infinite happiness, I also have to trust that he's put me on the right path. Doesn't matter where I've been or how I got here. A new path begins with each step, enabling a change of direction, a change of scenery, a change of the outcome. Now, it's just putting my faith in that outcome, believing that my wants are not selfish. They're gifts that I only get if I work for them.

"The things, good Lord, that we pray for, give us the grace to labor for." - Saint Thomas More

XO-

EBG

Signs in the Leaves

Signs in the Leaves - Azure Ray

Album: Drawing Down the Moon

I haven't been great at keeping a journal since high school. Back then I did a pretty good job, but I have this thing with always wanting to "start over." So I would buy a new journal every few months to mark a new phase of life. What it boils down to is a whole lot of journals with just a few entries.

This year I started what I call my "Truth Journal." Sometimes it's hard for me to get all of my thoughts out in a coherent way, mainly because it takes too long to get to the point of what I'm needing to work through. I don't know why I always need to tell myself the backstory, but I guess that's just part of the sorting through my thoughts process. But now I have my "Truth Journal" which is basically a place where I list out (because I am my mother's child therefore LOVING lists) whatever I'm feeling. It can be anything from: I really hated XYZ movie to I lied today about liking a band to impress someone. And from I had the best conversation about ABC with so and so to I'm severely sad and lonely and don't know how to fix it.

I'm human. I have ups and downs. I feel like writing down the ups makes them sink in and it helps the downs seem not so bad. But today I had a large amount of things that are currently making me angry. I hate being angry. I feel like it's an ugly emotion and it makes me say things and behave in a way that I don't like who I am. I definitely don't want to list them here because I don't need to broadcast them to the world, but it's weighing so heavily on me.

I know we can't make people do and say the things we want them to do and say. I can't make people change. I'm not someone that hides my emotions. However, I don't talk about them a lot. Mainly because I don't always think that people care...or at least the people that I want to care often don't. It's a defense mechanism. If I feel like someone doesn't care, I walk away. If someone makes me feel sad or worse weak, I protect myself by creating distance. If I feel let down, I don't rely on that person anymore. It doesn't mean I love them any less, or that I won't be there for them, I just keep a part of myself hidden. I've never been someone that knows how to ask for help, so I can't be mad when people don't offer it. But I've started to realize that by closing a piece of myself off from the people that have hurt me, disappointed me, I'm also losing that feeling of connecting that we always long for.

I'm obsessed with the new Azure Ray album. Every song speaks to me in a different way. But tonight, it's this one:

I'm a little worried

That I killed something inside of me

When I let you go

Days were dark with you in my mind

I thought it best to be free

And now the birds don't sing

And the trees don't speak

And I don't see signs in the leaves

Anymore

I'm a little worried

That I killed something inside of me

When I let you go

It's a stranger's eyes that won't meet mine.

There's nothing left there to divide

'Cause the birds don't sing

And the trees don't speak to me

And I don't see signs in the leaves

Anymore

I'm a little worried

I'm a little worried

That I killed something inside of me

When I let you go

When I let you go

When I let you go

The truth is, I know the people that care about me would feel horrible if they knew how badly their actions sometimes hurt. But sometimes I just don't have it in me to tell them, to deal with their defenses or excuses. I also don't want to hurt them. Maybe I'm afraid the honesty would only drive more of a wedge. Or maybe I'm afraid the honesty would force them to act in a way that's not natural. Or maybe I just don't want to be needy, and it's easier to hurt in silence than ask someone to care about something they don't.

I know my views on the world are not always conventional, and that people don't always want to hear them. But it's taken me a long time (almost 30 years) to fully grasp what they are. How I look at life, love, family, our part in this world is so much a part of who I am. But I don't want to freely give them to people who don't want to hear...some of those people are the ones who love me the most. But I also know that that means if I keep all of these thoughts and beliefs bottled up inside, the people that I want to be closest to, the people that think they know me so well, never really will. And that breaks my heart.

XO-

EBG

Happy Working Song

Happy Working Song - Amy Adams
Album - Enchanted Soundtrack

This is one of those times where this was totally NOT my day...but I wish it was. I did clean all day to music, I just didn't have cute little rodents helping me. But my apartment is now SPOTLESS and organized (still very tiny, though). And my downstairs neighbor has started feeding squirrels so now when I walk by his apt to get to mine, they stalk me like they're about to attack. It's a little alarming and not near as adorable as the below video makes it seem like it would be.

(I would also like to note that the Disney fairy tale I wish was my life looks more like High School Musical than Cinderella, but really I'll take either. Singing and dancing? Count me in.)


XO-
EBG

Everyday

Everyday - Buddy Holly
Album - Peggy Sue B-Side

I have been humming this song all day. It's on a commercial right now, though I couldn't tell you which one. I've watched a LOT of TV in the past 24 hours, so there's no telling. But as I'm cleaning my apartment getting ready for the next 3 weeks (my friend Cait comes next week, then I fly to TX to spend a night at ACL in Austin, then onto to my hometown for the major wedding countdown), I just feel like this song is my life.

Of course the only line I repeat is the title line:

Everyday it's a gettin' closer, going faster than a roller coaster. Love like yours will surely come my way.

It's a happy song about life moving fast. And isn't that the truth? The happiest moments of my life have been the fastest. These next 3 weeks are going to be amazing, and I want to relish in them. But as much as I want my sister's wedding day to come (because it is going to be the happiest day of her life), I also don't. Because then it's over, and the fun and the celebrating will have come and gone. It's like summitting a mountain, you work so hard to get to the top, but after a few minutes of relishing in the view and your accomplishment, you have to go back down. But that being said, my favorite moment (besides relishing in the view) of hiking is after I've gotten back to the cabin and showered and can sit on the porch with a beer, letting my body ache, and smiling at the memory. Same thing with dances in high school. I would get home, get a big bowl of ice cream and sit on the couch in my dress and remember the night.

My guess is three weeks from tonight, I'll be doing the same thing...only in a bridesmaid's dress with wedding cake. Complete with a huge smile about how blessed I am...and probably very sore feet from dancing the night away. But if the roller coaster could slow down just slightly, it would be much appreciated. Or maybe I should just throw my hands in the air and let the adrenaline rush hit, laughing all the way.

XO-
EBG

TCU's Fight Song

TCU's FIGHT SONG...because it was played a lot today as we crushed SMU. And that's reason enough.


XO-
EBG

Excellent Use of Music in TV - Ashes and Wine

And today's winner goes to...

Vampire Diaries! (Crowd goes wild.)

For its exceptional use of A Fine Frenzy's Ashes and Wine in the last few minutes of Thursday's episode "Bad Moon Rising." ESPECIALLY, when Elena asks Damon if he knew Jeremy had on the ring that would prevent him from dying. When he answers honestly, and heartbreakingly, "no," we know that their friendship is over...since she tells him it is. (Of course, it's only the second season, so "over" means probably 2-3 episodes of heavy banter. Which I LOVE.)

I can't find the video online, and am not tech savvy enough to create it by myself...so here's a live version of the song, and a picture of Damon. Stare at it while listening to the song and feel your own heart melt. I don't have a brother, so I don't know what it would be like for a vampire to try to kill him. But seriously, how can you walk away from this?

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

Enjoy!

XO-
EBG

Kick Drum Heart

Kick Drum Heart - The Avett Brothers
Album: I and Love and You

Last night I went to a "Cheap Wine Tasting" Girl's Night at a friend's, where everyone was supposed to bring a bottle of wine under $10, then we would vote for the best, and they would win a prize. I won for the white! Which was wonderful in itself, but my real prize came when a friend looks at me and goes "I know and love this song! And it's because of you!"

The Avett Brothers' Kick Drum Heart had just come on, and of course I had made the Wine Night Playlist, and she knew it from my 2009 Music Review. But I felt so proud. Because, really, that's the point. I make mix tapes because I want to spread the songs that I love. I also feel like when you listen to a whole album, sometimes the songs blend together if you're not fully paying attention. But just like wines change with smells and other tastes you have before and after you drink, songs change with not only the setting and mood you're in, but the music they're surrounded by. One of my goals for every tape is that the songs flow into each other, so that nothing is too jarring, but that they stand out against one another as well. There's a definite melodic story that I try to reach. Picking the songs is only the first step, arranging them is a whole other process.

And this particular song? I'll be honest, it made the cut because "I and Love and You" was too long, and I was trying to fit as many songs as possible on the 2009 CD. But it's better that it did. It's a happy song. Just like last night was a happy occasion. Even though it IS a love song, or at least comes across that way, the stanza:

I won't look back anymore
I left the people that do
It's not the chase that I love
It's me following you

I feel could be a good theme for my life right now. It's not about the rush of the chase, or trying to grasp onto something better. And I'm tired of looking back wishing for what was or wondering if I should have chosen different. It's following the path that leads to my dreams...and everything that I get to do and see along the way. And the beat, the kick drum beat, is a great pace setter.

Cheers to good wine and good friends (and good playlists that are too long to post)!

XO-
EBG

Songs for Ilir

I have a new friend...and new friend means new playlist. There's a lot of pressure when someone asks me for a mix tape, especially if it's the first time. For starters, I don't know him very well, so I only have a small glimpse into what music he likes. For instance I know he's going to Band of Horses this weekend so I know he likes that type of music, but it also means I don't need to put them on the tape. I know he enjoyed Florence at the VMA's, but I was enjoying her enough for the entire audience so it could have just rubbed off. And, 3. He was really impressed with B.O.B. at the House of Blues. Not very helpful.

So, my goal...a perfect mix of 1. Songs that are from my "Forever Favorites" list on iTunes, 2. New music that he probably hasn't heard that I've been listening to on repeat, and 3. Artists that have made a big splash in my musical world the past few years that I feel obligated to pass on.

Mix tapes are a rough business, but someone has to do them. I'll take this one for the team.

Songs for Ilir

1. The Night Starts Here - Stars
2. The Cave - Mumford and Sons
3. Runaway - The National
4. The Diamond Church Street Choir - The Gaslight Anthem
5. I Was Made For Sunny Days - The Weepies
6. Cannibal Resource - Dirty Projectors
7. The Crane Wife 3 - The Decemberists
8. Two - The Antlers
9. Drinking Again - Collin Herring
10. Don't Leave My Mind - Azure Ray
11. Old Before Your Time - Ray LaMontagne
12. I Feel Ya Strutter - Of Montreal
13. Daylight - Matt and Kim
14. Help I'm Alive - Metric
15. Heavy Cross - Gossip
16. Baby - Devendra Banhart
17. I And Love And You - The Avett Brothers
18. Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
19. Many Happy Regrets - Tim Locke

XO-
EBG

The Cave

The Cave - Mumford & Sons
Album: Sigh No More

This is what I call a "Core Craver." It's not a song that gets stuck in my head, or a great lyric I find myself singing, it's not even a catchy pop song that makes me want to dance. It's a song that my core literally craves to hear over and over again, and as the music swells so does something inside of me.

The melody starts off simple and low, then it slowly starts to build...the words and the music. About a third of the way through, my shoulders can't help but bounce a little and I sit or stand taller as if the song itself is flowing from my toes to my head forcing my spine straighter, my breaths deeper, my heart bigger.

"So come out of the cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand"

By the time the lyric below hits, and the music inerlude afterwards, I feel like I'm about to explode and I want to live in this song for as long as possible. I want to stretch the moment, to feel this feelings and scream these lyrics as loud as I can.

"Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be"

And then it ends, and I need the feeling to happen again so badly. So, I hit repeat. Unfortunately, on the mix tape I made, this song is followed by The National's Runaway which is also a major Core Craver for me. The two of these together pretty much send me over the edge (in the best way possible.)

Tonight was a good night, almost like this song. Great conversation with a great person in a great place. My friend is a writer as well, and sometimes, actually a lot of the time, I just need those conversations. Since the person I talk to most about writing is so far away, and though I wish she were here with everything I have, I know she can't be, I've been wishing for someone who just "gets it" to be closer. And it was nice to have a piece of that last night. Writing is lonely, it's a constant battle of me against myself, making myself do it, making myself believe I'm good enough, my craft is good enough. It's a constant "talking myself off of a limb." There are doubts, and to know that other people, very talented people, share those doubts about themselves, make the load easier to bear.

I feel like the meaning of this song is a mix between two things. 1) Learning to free yourself front the constraints the world, other people, and yourself put on you so you can live the life you were created to have. To live your potential best life. And 2) Knowledge is freeing. Living in the "cave" is like living in the dark, only seeing surface level. But I truly believe each level you dig deeper (or shine some light on), whether it be getting to know a person, the lyrics to a song (or any piece of art), an idea. Understanding the details, philosophies, the meaning of things, only makes the bigger picture that much more beautiful.

I know sometimes I dwell too much on the details, but I have a deep need to understand things. I feel like understanding is what connects all the pieces of the world. That's what makes up the big picture.

XO-
EBG

Billionaire

Billionaire - The Glee Version (not the Travie McCoy version)

Honestly, I actually hate this song. But I LOVE IT on Glee...cause I love everything on Glee. And Glee starting tonight was pretty much the most exciting thing that happened today. Plus, I'm digging the new cast members (which this song featured one of). Not sure who gets to stick around all season, but I'm open to some fresh faces.



Although, tonight's episode did have some intense moments, (Anti-bullying ad, anyone?) I have high hopes for this season. Since my television schedule went from about 27 shows a week to 3, I have to promote those 3.

Glee, tonight you win! (Plus, no one can tell me at least a tiny part of them doesn't want to be a billionaire.)

XO-
EBG