Album: Boxer
Sometimes, when the weight of the world becomes too much to bear, I find myself slipping into a superficial state. It's a place where the only things that matter are the pumpkin spiced latte from Starbucks, the great pair of heels that I make my calves look incredible (but I can't walk in), and the unobtainable musician that may or may not have someone else in his eyeline. It's a place where a swoop of mascara and a dab of lipstick instantly make me prettier, and I can bat my eyelashes at a stranger trying to lure them into flirty eye contact if only for a wistful moment. This fake empire is a state of mind, where I block out heartache and sorrow and the struggles cascading down around me. I force questions out of my head instead filling my thoughts with cheesy pop lyrics, glasses of wine, and conversations about the difficult lives of the cast of 90210 and Gossip Girl.
But I can't live in this world forever. I don't want to live in this world forever...only to escape into it for a few fleeting moments when my heart can't take anymore of the real world I live in. It's a gentle reprieve, and I'm grateful for it.
Today the world lost an amazing man. My great uncle, I think is what he is, my uncle's uncle (but no blood relation) died this morning. We may have only been related through marriage, but he was more of a grandfather to me than one of my blood ones ever was. He was strong and kind and I don't know if I ever saw him without a bow tie around his neck. Every childhood memory I have of holidays, birthdays, even Sunday mornings at church, he is a part of. We grew really close after his first wife died when I was in elementary school, and I would sit next to him in the pew at church every week. I have a very small family, so each member is incredibly important and loved. And he's the first to go in a long time.
I know that all life eventually leads to death, and he had lived an amazingly good and long life. But it still gives that "what's the point" feeling. We live, we grow old (if we're lucky), and we die. It's a cycle that never ends, and sometimes it hurts so much, that I wish it would. Hurt is the wrong word. Pointless. Sometimes life simply feels pointless...and that leaves me feeling empty.
But most of all, I'm worried about my cousins. I only have two and growing up they were more like brothers than cousins. I talked to both of them tonight, and they seemed strong, but...lost. Lost in not knowing exactly what to feel. Big Mike was a man they looked up to tremendously, a man they loved with their whole hearts, and even though they've been preparing for months for today, it didn't help. My baby cousin, who's 25, and his fiance just got approved for a house today, a short time before he heard the news. Strange, it's almost like my post two weeks ago, about such extreme happiness and sadness mixed together that you don't know which is which. I think James had such a roller coaster of a day that he's been left suspended mid-air, not sure whether he's being taken to the top or about to be dropped to the bottom. Maybe both. And Trey, Trey I can't read very well anymore. We don't talk as much, and we've taken different directions with our lives, but I would call him the more sensitive of the two. We only spoke for a few minutes, but I didn't get the feeling the realization had sunk in quite, yet. And it might not until he gets home and the whole family is together.
And then there's my uncle. I can't get the picture out of my head of him holding his father's hand until he finally let go of life. But the vision is clouded by tears. I remember when my dad's mother died and trying to watch my dad for his reaction of what was going through his head. But he never really showed much emotion to me. I don't know if it's because he thinks he needs to be strong for the rest of the family or if it's easier to be emotional alone. If that's the truth, I think I get that from him.
It's a sad day. And I know the sad days only exist to make the good days brighter. But right now I just want to hide away for a little while...and when the sun rises tomorrow, start again.
XO-
EBG
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