Signs in the Leaves

Signs in the Leaves - Azure Ray

Album: Drawing Down the Moon

I haven't been great at keeping a journal since high school. Back then I did a pretty good job, but I have this thing with always wanting to "start over." So I would buy a new journal every few months to mark a new phase of life. What it boils down to is a whole lot of journals with just a few entries.

This year I started what I call my "Truth Journal." Sometimes it's hard for me to get all of my thoughts out in a coherent way, mainly because it takes too long to get to the point of what I'm needing to work through. I don't know why I always need to tell myself the backstory, but I guess that's just part of the sorting through my thoughts process. But now I have my "Truth Journal" which is basically a place where I list out (because I am my mother's child therefore LOVING lists) whatever I'm feeling. It can be anything from: I really hated XYZ movie to I lied today about liking a band to impress someone. And from I had the best conversation about ABC with so and so to I'm severely sad and lonely and don't know how to fix it.

I'm human. I have ups and downs. I feel like writing down the ups makes them sink in and it helps the downs seem not so bad. But today I had a large amount of things that are currently making me angry. I hate being angry. I feel like it's an ugly emotion and it makes me say things and behave in a way that I don't like who I am. I definitely don't want to list them here because I don't need to broadcast them to the world, but it's weighing so heavily on me.

I know we can't make people do and say the things we want them to do and say. I can't make people change. I'm not someone that hides my emotions. However, I don't talk about them a lot. Mainly because I don't always think that people care...or at least the people that I want to care often don't. It's a defense mechanism. If I feel like someone doesn't care, I walk away. If someone makes me feel sad or worse weak, I protect myself by creating distance. If I feel let down, I don't rely on that person anymore. It doesn't mean I love them any less, or that I won't be there for them, I just keep a part of myself hidden. I've never been someone that knows how to ask for help, so I can't be mad when people don't offer it. But I've started to realize that by closing a piece of myself off from the people that have hurt me, disappointed me, I'm also losing that feeling of connecting that we always long for.

I'm obsessed with the new Azure Ray album. Every song speaks to me in a different way. But tonight, it's this one:

I'm a little worried

That I killed something inside of me

When I let you go

Days were dark with you in my mind

I thought it best to be free

And now the birds don't sing

And the trees don't speak

And I don't see signs in the leaves

Anymore

I'm a little worried

That I killed something inside of me

When I let you go

It's a stranger's eyes that won't meet mine.

There's nothing left there to divide

'Cause the birds don't sing

And the trees don't speak to me

And I don't see signs in the leaves

Anymore

I'm a little worried

I'm a little worried

That I killed something inside of me

When I let you go

When I let you go

When I let you go

The truth is, I know the people that care about me would feel horrible if they knew how badly their actions sometimes hurt. But sometimes I just don't have it in me to tell them, to deal with their defenses or excuses. I also don't want to hurt them. Maybe I'm afraid the honesty would only drive more of a wedge. Or maybe I'm afraid the honesty would force them to act in a way that's not natural. Or maybe I just don't want to be needy, and it's easier to hurt in silence than ask someone to care about something they don't.

I know my views on the world are not always conventional, and that people don't always want to hear them. But it's taken me a long time (almost 30 years) to fully grasp what they are. How I look at life, love, family, our part in this world is so much a part of who I am. But I don't want to freely give them to people who don't want to hear...some of those people are the ones who love me the most. But I also know that that means if I keep all of these thoughts and beliefs bottled up inside, the people that I want to be closest to, the people that think they know me so well, never really will. And that breaks my heart.

XO-

EBG