Here Comes the Sun

Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles

Album: Abbey Road

It took me a little while to find the perfect song for today. This past week has been a little bit of a haze, maybe a little too much birthday fun this past weekend...Disneyland and the VMA's will do that to you. I haven't been able to get out of bed in the mornings for my normal routine that I've come to cherish so much, and I stayed home sick from work on Wednesday because my throat hurt in a way that even lifting my head up to look at the clock felt like an overwhelming task that I would never be able to accomplish again. Yes, I am dramatic when tired. Maybe it was exhaustion, maybe I caught something from all the sickness going around. But, either way, this week has been a blur that is not really how I wanted to start out 29.

Yesterday the two TLC employees that were held hostage on Sept. 1 went on Oprah to tell their story. At the same time it made it more real and more horrific, it also gave me peace. One of the hostages, Jim, talked of how an overwhelming peace overtook him during that time in the lobby. He doesn't know whether it was God, or a guardian angel, or something else of a higher power, but it was real. I believe my prayers, as well as those of the thousands of others being lifted at that time, took part in that peace. Because that's what I was asking for, it's all I could ask for. Peace. Strength. Hope. I know it's true, that when something life threatening happens we begin to take life more seriously, treat it as the precious, fleeting gift that it is. But I don't want to have to have that moment in order to embrace life. Because all too often, when those moments happen it's too late.

So often I let my life become a series of "To Do's," since God knows I love lists. But last night as I was driving home and my mind was split between thinking about my co-workers and thinking about cleaning my apartment, working on my sister's wedding present, and even the task of finishing the book I'm reading so I can return it to the library, I realized that I was filling up this coming weekend with things to "get done" so that next week I could enjoy life again. But if I let that happen, if that's what my focus is, then that's when my days become this vicious cycle of ignoring the point of life. To live it. It hit me rather hard that this mindset has to stop. It's the journey not the destination, right?

Thanks to my friend Misty, I recently stumbled across this quote:

"For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real life.

But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first,

some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.

At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.

This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness.

Happiness is the way.

So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination."

-Father Alfred D'Souza

So, what did I do? I went to Whole Foods and bought soup and fried chicken because I still felt sick and I wanted comfort food. I came home, talked to my mom about my sister's wedding and watched Vampire Diaries because teen shows (especially ones about vampires) make me really happy. Then I started to watch Grey's Anatomy. ABC was replaying last year's season finale and I thought maybe watching part of it would help since (after refusing last season to ever watch it again) I now really want to see how they handle the aftermath of the gunman. But the moment before the first doctor gets shot, I turned it off. I've seen the episode, I know what happens and I don't need to relive it. Yes, I'll watch next week because that might be part of the healing process, but I want to move forward. So, instead I turned on the new Brandon Flowers album (because I do LOVE the Killers) and I danced around the room as I cleaned the apartment, enjoying the task and the atmosphere. Then I read and went to bed so that when my alarm went off at 5:30 this morning, I was ready for the day...to watch the sun come up.

Maybe that's a reason I love music so much. No matter what the task is, no matter what I'm doing or feeling, if there's a good soundtrack, it doesn't feel like work. Singing along makes me feel like I'm in the moment, like I'm actually living it. I know enough to realize that's not the case for everyone...but for me even waking up to "Here Comes the Sun" makes me not hate the first five minutes of the morning quite so much. In fact, it makes me wish those first five minutes could stand still, that I could hold onto it a little longer. There's promise to each new day. And just like I get to choose my song, I get to choose my attitude and what I want to give to the world today. The Sun.

The winter of going through the motions, of just trying to survive, is over, because life doesn't begin once my problems go away, my debt is paid, the weight is lost, or I fall in love. Life doesn't start when I finish my book or get that dream job or even when the dishes are washed and the apartment cleaned. All of those things are life. I'm not saying they're all enjoyable, but they are life. And once I accept that, which is still a daily battle, is the moment living really begins. That moment is now.

"Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right"

XOXO-

EBG