Sound of Settling - Death Cab for Cutie
Album: Transatlaticism
"Bop ba. This is the sound of settling. Bop ba."
That line has been on repeat in my head for days. Today was an interesting day...in a very non-interesting type way. I woke up early to move my car since it was parked on a "no parking" between 8 AM and 8 PM street, and then I went back to bed. I haven't been feeling nearly as exhausted today as I was this week, but I guess my body just wanted to make sure before Monday comes tomorrow. So the first of the day was slow...not accomplishing anything I had set out to do. It's a frustrating feeling, not being able to find the motivation, but having no one to blame but yourself. The walls of my very tiny apartment began to close in on me, so I decided to go see Never Let Me Go.
*SPOILERS IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE STORY*
Synopsis can be read here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Never_Let_Me_Go
The movie is beautiful, yet slow. In my head I think of it as a Brokeback Mountain where it feels like a nice melody with a few crescendos but nothing really happens. Yet, you just sort of float along waiting for the train wreck that never really happens because no one ever fights for anything. So, the movie ends, and I'm beyond frustrated. As Americans we live in a world where if you want something you either resign to the fact that you're too lazy to go after it, or you fight for it. These characters did neither. They wanted something, they longed for it, and they made strides towards it, but they never really fought. The lady sitting next to me noted to her husband that it was based on a book by a Japanese author and that made sense. I leaned over casually to listen along, finally joining in the conversation as it continued. The woman, who I found out when the lights came up is in fact Asian, explained that Japanese culture is very much a "this is the way things are, and we can't change them." That's not very eloquently put, but according to her, they believe that destiny is more of a pre-determined path than a choice. So, when Kathy and Tommy go to the headmistress towards the end and ask for a deferral, it is their way of fighting. It allowed me to take the message of the movie easier, suspend my own personal beliefs and understand the last few lines of the film.
Kathy looks out over an open field, having lost the love of her life and her best friend (even if she was a traitor) and says that they weren't so different from the rest of the world. Everyone eventually reaches "completion" and they probably loved more than many of us (the rest of the world) ever will. They didn't settle, knowing their lives would end sooner than they were supposed to. They still tried to live and love. I do wish they had tried a little harder, but it wasn't in their making. They were programmed at the time of birth for this destiny, and the accepted it, but refused to let that take away their humanity. The refused to not have souls.
After the movie I met a few friends for dinner (and heard Florence belt her beautiful voice). On the way, I was talking to a friend and the subject of facebook came up. Facebook is something I both love and hate, think is brilliant and might ruin society all at the same time. It makes me think of how all of this social networking, cell phones, television, internet, the blog I'm writing right now, connects us and separates us. My friend that I was talking to had just returned from Iceland, and I love the fact that while she was there she could load pictures and within minutes, from thousands of miles away I could see what she saw. It made her feel not so far away. Yet, as I arrived at the restaurant and was waiting for the table, I look over to see my three friends all on their cell phones. One of them claims it was because they heard a 'ding' and were all checking, but it wasn't a quick check. Even at dinner, the conversation was stifled by phones. Granted it was looking up movie times and song lyrics and checking other people's facebook status (is that really necessary all the freakin' time)? But all that information at our fingertips makes it hard to have a conversation these days. And it's so frustrating.
I implemented a new rule Friday night. I was in the car with a friend and she answered a phone call and continued to talk to this person for a good 5 to 10 minutes...which is a long time when you're in a car. I asked her if we could not answer phone calls when we were hanging out. She agreed and completely understood my point, but I hate that that's even a factor. Not just for her, but for me. Even at Disneyland last Saturday, I checked my phone after every ride to see who had posted Happy Birthday on my wall. I felt bad when someone called and I couldn't answer because I didn't want to be rude to Natalie. People get angry because I'm very much an "on my terms" person when it comes to cell phones, email, and texting. I will return your message when I'm ready because I don't want it to run my life. I don't want to feel chained to it or for it to put a wedge between someone I'm actually spending time with in person. I feel like we all deserve better than that.
Life, love, friendships...who wants to settle? "If you've got an impulse, let it out" (that's a line from the song). As we were leaving dinner, my friends were going to get yogurt and I declined the invite. (I've already had Yogurtland and Diddy Riese this weekend). They all laughed saying it was a social thing, not about the yogurt. But we had just had a dinner full of long silences and cell phone checking and I don't think one person asked what I had done today. (Probably a good thing since I hadn't done much and can't really talk about the movie until others see it.) But we had plenty to talk about. There is so much happening in the world right now...even if it's movies, books, music, or, heaven forbid, worldly events. Maybe I rely too much on conversation. Maybe I should relish in the silence a little more. Maybe I'd hear something words can't say. Or maybe it's just awkward to be at a table with four people and no words at all.
I look at today, which had frustrating moments, but was a good day, and am grateful for my life. It's a good life. But I don't want a good life, I want a great life. God gave me the good without me having to do anything. But He's made it pretty clear I have to fight for greatness. He doesn't want me to "Sit and wonder of every love that could've been." He wants me to have all those loves. (And when I say loves, I don't just mean a person. I mean an experience, a place, a feeling.) That I know without a doubt.
XOXO
-EBG
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