Wow. Am I really turning 29 tomorrow? Most days I still feel 17, or maybe 19. Definitely out of high school, which is good since my 10 year reunion is now only a matter of weeks away. We’ll go with 19.
Now, as most people reading this know, a few years ago I started making a list before my birthday of the moments of that year (in correlation with the number of that year) that stood out to me the most. Moments that made me laugh, cry, feel grateful, or just feel alive. And this year, like the past 3, I did the same. 28 Moments of 28.
However, this year, I’m not going to publically post them. If 27 was a hard year, 28 was all about growing, and I had no idea growing pains could be so, well, painful. I just recently finished listening to Pride and Prejudice (books on tape…a new thing with me) and there’s a part where Charlotte is begging Elizabeth to come visit her. Even though Elizabeth really doesn’t want to go, since the two friends drifted apart so much over the prior year, she finally agrees thinking to herself that “it was for the sake of what had been, rather than what was." I feel like I understand that line more now than I ever could have reading it in high school, and I believe its meaning to be a hard truth to learn and to accept. I hurt some feelings last year of people that I love dearly because they weren’t included in the “Moments” in the way that best showed my feelings towards them. And as I was going over my list from this past year, I began to stress about making sure everyone was “included” appropriately. But this list didn’t start out that way, and, honestly, I’ve had a rough year with some of the people I care most about. That doesn’t change anything about the way that I feel about them, it just doesn’t fit well into a list of random “moments” for everyone to read.
But I do want to make known that this year has been absolutely incredible in so many ways: Elizabeth’s engagement, dress shopping and bachelorette weekend, the births of Gwynaeth and Kendall, Deb’s ordination and wedding. Being snowed in with my family at Christmas, taping my grandparents telling the story of how they met and became engaged. Skyping with old friends, while making new ones, all of who understand me, push me to be better and get me free wine on long airplane flights (Thank you, Billy!). Showing up on doorsteps while crying for no reason (and being handed a baby telling me that will make me feel better…which it did). Road trips, wine tasting trips, watching a man drunkenly fall over his handlebars in the sand on 4th of July. Midnight screenings of cheesy vampire movies (that’s right, I went to more than one), and racing to the finish line of a new great book along with the rest of the under 18 world. Celebrating New Year’s Eve with two of my favorite people in the universe, and being surrounded by hundreds of fellow children’s book/young adult authors in NYC (while making one of the greatest friends I’ll ever know in the process). Even going back to work fulltime (with great co-workers!), moving (again), and forcing myself to get up at 5 AM so I can enjoy the beach before going into the office (yes, be shocked my alarm clock even has that time). I laughed a lot this year, I cried (less than last year), and I even started to sing again.
It sounds so cliché in a way, and yes, I am still completely tone deaf, but coming from someone who loves to sing (and dance around the room…or in parking lots) more than anything in the world, it came as strange to me that I didn’t realize I had even stopped. Then one day I was driving down the road and a familiar song came on, and it felt awkward to hum along to it. It struck me painfully that I couldn’t remember the last time I had sung along with the radio. Or to my ipod. Or in general. I had spent 27 and the first part of 28 so lost in thought that I think I even stopped hearing the music. I forced myself to start mumbling along, and then before I knew it, I was belting (Nin, I think you and Bridget were belting right along with me…See number 1 below). All at once I rediscovered a love of music, and writing, and great conversations. I started going on small adventures (mostly Suze, that’s thanks to you for forcing me into yoga, Pirate dinners, and most recently Yogurtland). I stopped watching so much TV and started reading (more than just teen books). That’s when I started getting up early because I realized my favorite time of day is sunrise when the city is first waking up, and I need that time to myself. As well as needing time with my friends and my family…and the need to listen and be heard. I remembered the things that make me Me, and slowly I began to embrace them again.
But most importantly, this year I stopped fighting against God. For so long I’ve struggled with the decision of trusting myself and what I think is best for me or allowing God to take full control of my life. I finally realized that I don’t know what I ultimately want. Where I want to go. Who I want to be. So I decided to give that task to him. But the thing with trusting God is, if you do it, you have to do it with everything. Love, life, work, happiness, health, friendships, and the unknown. That decision was put to the test last Wednesday when I spent four hours begging for the safety of three of my co-workers in Silver Spring, Maryland after a gunman walked into Discovery Headquarters waving a gun and yelling for people to stop moving. During that time of being glued to CNN and my email In Box, I had to come to peace with the fact that my co-workers might not walk out of there alive. Thank, God, they did, but things could have ended very differently, and was I prepared to still trust him despite of that? Was I prepared to walk through the lobby of my own building, knowing that my place of work was now under attack (even if 3000 miles away) and that I could be threatened here just as much as there…as well as any and everywhere in between. For the first time in my life, the answer was yes.
There’s a line in the Dawes’ song “When My Time Comes” that has been on repeat in my head for most of this past year: “If Heaven was all that was promised to me, why don’t I pray for death?” That line haunted me for so long because I didn’t have an answer. But this year, this horribly trying and brilliantly exciting year, I’ve rediscovered the meaning of “Living with Purpose.” Now, I would LOVE to be able to define that for you here and to tell you the answer I’ve found to the above question. In fact, I’d love to give you all the answers that the past 29 years of searching have finally led me to. But I’m not going to because, honestly, it’s not fair for you to get the easy way out. And it’s not life. And, most importantly, my answers are not yours.
The two biggest lessons I’ve learned this year: 1) What’s right for me is not what’s right for other people. And 2) People are not going to do what we want and expect out of them. We disappoint each other because we can’t read minds (except for Edward, but he’s kind of a wimp. And I guess Sookie, but I think she’s kind of a pushover, too). But the beauty of family and true friendship is that despite of all of this, despite our deepest faults that we try but fail to hide, we love each other anyway.
So, to my beautiful family and friends…I would love to list you all out alphabetically, but that would only mean I would definitely leave someone out, and that is obviously far from my intention. I know how fortunate I am in the simple fact that I can’t list you all by name or write out all of the moments I shared with you this year because I’m going to Disneyland tomorrow and I just don’t have enough time. BUT since we all know how much I love lists, I have compiled one especially for your reading pleasure.
Before I begin 29, I want to page homage to the songs that got me through 28. Judge however you like. God knows I've judged other people's playlists (*cough* Mick). But these are my songs. The songs I laughed to, cried to, danced around the room to and sang at the top of my lungs. These are the songs that sang me to sleep, were background to great conversations, and simply sat with me when I needed a friend. These were the songs that meant the most to me last year, and I am in their debt.
1. Dog Days Are Over - Florence and the Machine
2. When My Time Comes - Dawes
3. Home - Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes
4. Change of Time - Josh Ritter
5. Two - The Antlers
6. Young Winds - Ryan Adams
7. Secret Meeting - The National
8. I Can Only Imagine - MercyMe
9. Counterpoint - Delphic
10. Come On Get Higher - Matt Nathanson
11. Rock Star - Miley Cyrus (You can judge this one all you want. I’m not ashamed it makes me happy.)
12. There Is So Much More - Brett Dennen
13. Falling From the Sun - The Album Leaf
14. Blue Skies - Noah and the Whale
15. Changes - Blind Melon
16. Skinny Love - Bon Iver
17. Prelude 12-21 - AFI
18. I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked - Ida Maria
19. Center of Attention - Jackson Waters
20. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
21. Bad Reputation - Joan Jett
22. Human - The Killers
23. Bad Romance - Lady Gaga
24. Eclipse (I'm Yours) - Metric
25. Time Is Running Out - Muse
26. Ambling Alp - Yeasayer
27. Somebody - Rob Thomas
28. Angels on the Moon - Thriving Ivory
And one to grow on...
29. Don't Stop Believin' - The Glee Cast Version
So, here's to another year. 365 days left in my 20's. I plan on holding onto them as tightly as possible, living them with everything I have, and a year from right now I plan on celebrating with my whole heart (and all of my friends) the next phase of life. Love to you all.
XOXO-
EBG
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